Well Look What The Cat Dragged In...

So, baby step toward the miracle of all miracles...

Last night I got home, checked the mail, and there was a shiny package, containing the contract from Producer Dude.

Read through it. Everything seemed in order. The terms we all agreed to seemed to be in order. TV rights? CHECK. MOW rights? CHECK. Backend participation? CHECK.

Yup. It all looks pretty good, with one exception.

The title of the film is misspelled.

Now... God knows I've transposed the I and E in SIEGE a thousand times right here on this blog, so no biggie, but it does mean some contract tweakage.

Well... that, or we quickly bang out a new screenplay called "SEIGE," the moving story of Helmut Seige, the double-amputee 200 meter men's hurdles runner from Germany in the 1940s.

Hrmmmm.....

NAAAH.

In the meantime, as Dave mentioned, we've been plugging along on the Ghost Pygmy Tribe project, with a caveat.

As you may recall, he sent me the first 30 pages, and I volleyed with the next several scenes. Interestingly, this forced us to pause and realize that we hadn't really flushed out the concept terribly well...

DAVE: Um... so Charlie? Why do you have this "silo"-esque room, other than that it would look cool? What's the purpose of it?

CHARLIE: Beats me. Why do you have the "cavern"-esque room with the bones?

DAVE: Touche. Beats me, too. Well... what about the guy who looks down from the dark window? Who's that?

CHARLIE: Ermmm... a mysterious figure? You had some guy in your scene... what the hell's that tribal shaman fella gonna do?

DAVE: Um... I dunno yet. Something, though. At some point.

And, thus, a consensus was born. We would step back, actually THINK the whole freakin' thing through, and apply some gen-u-ine process and procedure to the thing.

See... a lot of writers will hash out every major beat of a screenplay, often going to far as to put them down on index cards, which you can then pin to the wall, allowing you to see the flow of the story, and rearrange "virtually" before a word is really even written.

Dave and I have a term for those kind of writers: Uptight assholes.

Sure... the rest of the industry calls them "professionals" and pays them lots of money, but we look upon them with scorn.

I kid, of course, but we did get ahead of ourselves with this one. So we've regrouped.

We've written one-page bios for all our major characters. We've written out the "mythology" behind the dark happenings we're writing about. And we've researched and documented the geography and native culture of the film's setting (wrapping that into a larger backstory for the tribe of ghostly pygmies we've mentioned).

In short, we have a mini-bible at this point. YAY DAVE AND CHARLIE!

Now we're working out the major plot elements and beats. We don't have index cards yet because... well... as I noted, we look down our noses at those guys.

Ok. Fine. Until we get paid for SIEGE SEIGE, we can't afford index cards. But whatever.

Point is, we're hitting all the major beats. And THEN (and only then) once we've done that, we'll start over and revisit the actual script.

See? We can do structure!! We can do order!! We can do chronology!! We can do character development!! We can do STORY!

(Robert McKee... feel free to give me a call)

Charlie

Keywords: b movie, Siege, screenwriting, screenplay, scriptwriter, movies

No, really. This time we mean it.

So a couple weeks ago I wrote about how our contracts were in the mail.

They weren't.

So this time they are. No really. This time they really are in the mail.

But we're not supposed to sign them just yet.

Producer Dude wants us to have the contracts, to read them, to look over them, to make sure we're cool with them. But we're NOT to sign them until the money is in his grubby little hands.

(Producer Dude's hand's aren't grubby. The money is grubby. When anyone handles cash-cash, their hands become grubby. I hope to have very grubby hands myself soon.)

So sometime in the next couple of days, I should get contracts delivered to my door. (Charlie will also get his delivered, but as he's in Atlanta, they'll be delivered via horse and buggy.) All I can think of is.. GOD I hope these contracts are what we expect them to be. The last thing we need is to read them through and see mistakes. I mean it took this long to wrest contracts out of Producer Dude, you think we want to start over?

So there's Siege. The same story you're been reading (both of you) for, what? five months? More?

The latest on our pygmy/Devil/Adventure/Horror movie is that we've been doing homework. Last week we each took turns writing character bios and backstory. Now we're writing some ideas, putting things together, trying to - get this - craft the story before we try writing it. Wild idea, huh?

I think it's been a good thing, I hope Charlie thinks so as well. It's certainly popped some thoughts into my head, and given me a better idea about the story. But on the other hand, it's homework. Uhg.

***

One final note. Over the last week or so, I've watched the entire series of Firefly, plus the feature film, Serenity.

My God, that rocks. My God they need to pick up this series. You're telling me Sci-Fi Channel can't order up a new season of Firefly to slot into Sci-Fi Friday or to start a new Sci-Fi night? Come on, they're already airing the repeats, someone tell them to order up new episodes and let's get this party started!

Truly magical television. Followed by a fantastic movie that didn't succeed because, well, it was such an extention of the series, that you kinda got a little lost without knowing the series. But it was great, and I want more.

Peace Out.

WELL?!?!?!!

If you're a regular reader, like me (and odds are you aren't... I'm actually convinced I'm B Movie Writers only regular reader), you're dying to know how things went with Dave's pitch to the SciFi Network.

Every day, as soon as he logs onto IM, I message him.

"WELL?!?!?!"

"Oh, Hi Charlie. How's life in the future?"

See... I live and work in Atlanta. Dave's in LA. Because of the time difference - we're three hours ahead - he insists I live in the future. You know... the usual... "Anything happening today at Noon I should prepare myself for?" "Is it a good day in the future?" "Do you have robots that do your bidding there in the future?"

But I digress.

"WELL?!?!?"

"Well, What?" he always replies.

"Well, have you heard about the SciFi thing!?"

"Oh... that." He tries to play it cool, like it barely registers on his radar. Please. You and I both know that Dave would kill to have one of his scripts produced by SciFi, starring Bruce Campbell and Walter Koenig.

"I haven't heard anything... could be any day now. I'm not sweating it."

And that, my friends, is showbiz. That phrase:

"WELL?!"

is involved in roughly 1/3 of the conversations Dave and I have. Its really just a variation on a theme.

--------Common Variation 1----------

"WELL?!?!?!"

"Oh, Hi Charlie. How's life in the future?"

You know the drill here by now.


"WELL?!?!?"

"Well, What?" he always replies.

"Well, have you heard if the financing has closed? Are we getting paid for SIEGE?!?"

"Oh... that." He tries to play it cool, like it barely registers on his radar. Please. You and I both know that Dave would kill to get paid and have SIEGE go into production.


"I haven't heard anything... could be any day now. I'm not sweating it."

--------------Common Variation 2------------

"WELL?!?!?!"

"Oh, Hi Charlie. How's life in the future?"

Having a GroundHog Day feeling yet?

"WELL?!?!?"

"Well, What?" he still replies.

"Well, have you finished writing your scenes!?"

"Oh... that." He tries to play it cool, like it barely registers on his radar. Please. You and I both know that Dave spent the weekend changing diapers, mowing the lawn and... in his spare time... writing non-Charlie scripts for his buddies at SciFi.

"I'm working on it... could be any day now. I'm not sweating it."

-------------

There's a lot of "WELL" time in our relationship. Don't get me wrong... I have no complaints. And it certainly goes both ways. For that last variation, imagine Dave asking *ME* "WELL?!?!" every day since last Tuesday, as I dragged ass in getting back to him with my first scenes from the unnamed Pygmie Ghost Tribe project.

Mind you, that resulted in its own thread every hour, on the hour, yesterday, after I finally got it to him.

-------------Not-So-Alternate-Realtiy----------

"WELL?!?!?!"

"Oh, Hi Charlie. How's life in the future?"

*sigh*


"WELL?!?!?"

"Well, What?" He's like a broken record, huh?

"Well, what did you think about what I wrote???"

"Oh... that." He tries to play it cool, like it barely registers on his radar. Please. You and I both know that Dave would kill to have Charlie Kaufman as his writing partner.

"It was okay. Kinda verbose. And the waterfall of spiders thing... I'm not really feeling it. And the characters suddenly got all flippant and light on us. The tone's wierd. But I like the rest. You know... the line where the character asks what direction they're heading. That works. Let's tweak the rest, though. I'm not sweating it."

Sometimes I regret asking "WELL?!"


Charlie

Keywords: b movie, Siege, screenwriting, screenplay, scriptwriter, movies

Being Used Can Be Fun

Being a much better and more accomplished writer than Charlie, good things happen to me all the time.

- People shove copies of The Eliminator in my face, hoping for an autograph. (Fat chance!)

- I get invited to hot events, like most of Paris' parties (I had to miss the bondage/shopping spree fest), advanced screenings of the latest blockbusters (Curious George rocks!), and Kate and Tom's baby shower (Got to use the sonogram!).

- People give me free things all the time. (Haven't paid for groceries in years!)

So it was no surprise when a big-time Hollywood manager called me up the other day.

NOTE: The following story is true. Most of what I wrote above is, well, not true.

Though I DID go to the premiere of Curious George. And it does rock.

A friend handed off some of my writing to a manager-friend of theirs a while back. Said Manager, who shall remain nameless, read my writing and liked it. I had a nice meeting with Said Manager. We've kept in touch, but nothing overly impressive has come of it to this point. I.E. Said Manager has not actually signed me up as a client yet. Hope springs eternal.

But Said Manager called me up last week.

"David, Said Manager here."

"Hi, Said."

"I have a meeting with Sci-Fi Channel and I need some ideas to pitch them for TV Movies. You're my go-to guy for Sci-Fi. Do you know Sci-Fi Channel? You got anything I can bring to them?"

Do I know Sci-Fi Channel? Am I obsessed with Sci-Fi Fridays? Did I hurl a cushion at the screen when Battlestar Galactica announced that it'd return in October, a full 7 months from now? Have I noticed that they seem stuck in a rut with their TV Movies? (Manticore! Minotaur! Cerebus! Mammoth!) Did I actually sit through that really bad Dungeons and Dragons made-for-cable sequel they pushed on us a while back? Do I admit to seeing the first Dungeons and Dragons movie in the theaters?

"Yeah, I know the channel. I can come up with some ideas for you."

"Great, email them to me in 20 minutes, ok?"

I know I'm being used, here. I know Said Manager probably hung up with me and called 10 other desperate writers with the same story. I know we all gave Said Manager 3 or 4 or, in my case 5 TV Movie ideas and that Said Manager went into the meeting, chose the best 3 from the 20 that were submitted, and pitched away. I know that the odds that one of mine made the cut are minimal.

But dudes. I kinda, sorta, pitched Sci-Fi Channel! Woo!

If, Lord Almighty Gandalf willing, Sci-Fi liked one of my ideas and wanted to go for it, wouldn't that be sweet? I'll answer that.

Yes, it would be sweet.

So naturally, here's hoping they got excited over my pitch for "Mermaid!" I see Bruce Campbell and Lucy Lawless as the leads. With that chick from Roswell as the evil, killer mermaid. Think I got a chance?

Fits, Starts, & Pygmies

Life kinda moves in fits and starts, ya know?

For example, Dave and I struggled to really get the "Horror movie" idea off the ground. We talked through a really killer concept, and even had some good characters forming up, but it never really got cranking beyond that.

But this new idea... I'll call it "Ghost Tribe" for now, just to be mysterious and alluring (I don't think we have a real title for it yet)... Has gelled together really quickly. In fact, late last week Dave sent me the first 30 pages, which he pounded out. And its good. Scary stuff in a couple of places. Lots of action. Some old school gore. And pygmies. That's right, baby... Pygmies! Plan now would be for me to edit, add the next scene or two, and then toss back.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Essentially the same process that resulted in the epic masterpiece known as SIEGE. But our writing process seems to happen in fits and starts. We stutter along for a bit... And then BAM... We crank.

Speaking of which, that beast continues to stutter along in fits and starts of its own. Dave blogged last week that the contracts were in the air. Unfortunately, over the weekend we learned (after... You know... Not actually receiving any contracts) exactly why we've been wise not to count our chickens on this gig.

The contracts are NOT in the air. To be precise, they never even left the ground. Apparently Producer Dude decided he'd wait for the money to 100% hit the coffers before mailing them. Nothing nefarious... Just a change of plan. So... Looks like we'll have to wait another week or so. Honestly at this point I can't remember when the dough is supposed to be in. Its changed so many times I can't keep track.

Fits and starts. No big deal. We knew going in that it'd probably be like that, and both just wait for the day it all comes together. Until then, we'll weave our tale of jungle terror, buried secrets... And killer pygmies.

Charlie

Keywords: b movie, Siege, screenwriting, screenplay, scriptwriter

When The Shorts Hit the Fan

A couple of nights ago, a writing group I'm involved with here in LA (remember, Charlie's in Atlanta, Kosovo, Mars, someplace far away like that) held a public screening of 7 short films we'd written and produced.

One of those seven was written by me. I also produced it (with help) . And I was the leading actor in it (I knew the producer).

We held the screening at a funky club in Hollywood, four big screens on the walls, people drinking, laughing, watching, enjoying. Big crowd (close to 200 people). Plenty of shmaltz to go around.

Watching my short (and by extention, watching myself) up on those big screens was a hoot. My short went first (never a good position) and did fine. It wasn't the best of the evening (I easily admit) but folks liked it. Laughed at a lot of the right places, didn't laugh in any wrong places, gave me a friendly ovation when it was over.

What does this have to do with Producer Dude and Siege and the Next Big Horror Movie? Well everything you do is a learning process. I wrote this script (called Irwin's Special Friend) last summer. We shot it in August (mine was the first of seven that we shot as a group, the last one being finished, like, two weeks ago). It's got a subtle humor. Well, as subtle as you can get when one of the main characters is Death. My humor is often (though not always) subtle. Quiet. Unassuming. The kind of stuff that you go home afterwards and go "You know, that was really quite funny." and then you down a shot of Scotch and say "But the one with the man-on-pig sex, that one was REALLY funny."

I don't tend to write man-on-pig sex very often. And my humor is often enjoyed, appreciated, but then forgotten. I'm the nice girl who everyone likes but no one will take to the prom. The one where, at the prom, they go "Hey, where's David? You know, Girl David?" and they say "What? I thought she was going to the prom with you?" and they say "Me? I'm here with this hot blonde who can't count to three. I thought you were bringing Girl David to the prom?" and they answer "Well I'm here with Yvette of the Long Tongue." and finally someone says "Didn't ANYONE think to bring Girl David to the prom?" and they all shrug their shoulders, admit what a bummer it is that I'm not there, and then go have nasty man-on-pig sex. While their dates watch and take notes.

I'm not trying to get a date here. (I went to my prom. Brought a girl and everything. Unfortunately, she didn't really like me, but that's another post.) The point is, we can, and should, learn a lot every time we write something. Let alone everytime we write something that gets made. Writing Siege, I pulled up a lot of useful stuff I learned while writing and making Eliminator. When I sit down to write and produce my next short film (and yes, there will be another), I'll pull from what I've learned making Irwin's Special Friend.

Not that this has much of anything to do with writing C-movies. Other than to point out that I had a big Hollywood Premiere this week, and you didn't.

Do you like parentheses as much as I do? (I like them a lot.)

"Hey, did you see the grosses for Gandhi 2?"

Last night I watched the pilot for the new series "THE UNIT" on CBS. The show is a Tom Clancy-esque look into the missions, and personal lives, of the men in a top-secret Army Unit (presumably Delta Force, tho its not named as such).

I actually liked the show quite a bit, though it wasn't perfect. It has a really solid leading cast in Dennis Haysbert (President Palmer of "24" fame), Scott Foley ("Felicity), and Robert Patrick ("Terminator 2," "X-Files," "Walk The Line"), and a pretty strong supporting cast, as well.

But what really struck me most about the show was the writing. There was something about the beats of the dialogue that was making me crazy, so I ran to my computer and pulled up IMDB within the first 15 minutes of the show. And sure enough, there it was.

Creator, Executive Producer, and writer of the Pilot: David Mamet.

For those of you not familiar with Mamet, he's an award-winning screenwriter and playwright, best known for flicks such as "Glengarry Glen Ross," "Wag The Dog," "State & Main," and "The Spanish Prisoner," amongst many other works. The style of dialogue he writes is difficult to describe, but it has a very specific beat to it. This kind of staccato pace that can be almost sing-song at times.

Its not nearly as noticeable in "THE UNIT" as it is in some of his other works, but its there. That beat. That rhythm. That stuffy, yet somehow realistic, style of dialogue.

I think Mamet's wife, actress Rebecca Pidgeon, embodies his style of writing. Her performances (especially of his work) are almost always that pitter-patter of spoken word. Sometimes it works perfectly, and other times its like nails on a chalkboard for me. It. Just. Feels. So. Freaking. Stilted.

Anyhow... Back to Mamet. I'm psyched to see him doing network TV, and am very interested to see where they take the show. I'm a sucker for military action, so the subject matter is great... But I hope it keeps that Mamet personality. I'd even like to see them up the humor quotient just a tad (I'm just talking in the interpersonal dialogue, here... I'm not looking for MASH II), because as "State & Main" shows, when Mamet goes for humor, he can hit homers.

Charlie

Keywords: David Mamet, The Unit, Dennis Haysbert, b movie, Siege, screenwriting, screenplay, scriptwriter

Contracts in the Air

Word from Producer Dude is that there are contracts- actual, living, breathing contracts- currently in the air on their way to our homes. One to me in LA, one to Charlie in that strange place that is not LA.

So I guess that means there's movement.

Truth told, there seems to be a lot of movement lately. Money is here, it's getting released next week or the week after, they desperately want the script so they can start pre-production, people are drooling, shifting back and forth on their feet at the thought of Siege finally being made.

It's a heady time.

Again, I haven't seen these contracts. Once I do, there's no guarantee that I'll like them. Even if I like them, there's no guarantee that, once we sign and return them, anything of significance will happen.

I've signed contracts before. A bunch. As in more than one. And yet, how many finished products do I have on the market?

That would be one.

That means there are signed contracts floating around in my filing cabinet that are, at this point, little more than poignant keepsakes.

But I am a true believer. And so I shall drink the Kool-Aid and get my dancing shoes out of the closet. I'm not putting them on, mind you, but at they're sitting on the mantle, airing out for the day when cash-cash is in my grubby little hands and I can revel in the joys of being the writer of two, count them- TWO, straight-to-video movies.

Something my kids will be able to point to with pride when others tell them their father is a no-good, drunk has-been. They can say "Sure, but look, there was a time when he was a never-will-be!"

So proud. So very proud.

Game on...

So our latest script is officially underway.

Dave and I have had numerous discussions about it, and several phone calls. We didn't even have phone calls when writing Siege, man. It was all by IM. But in ironing out some of the details, it seemed best to hear one another's voices.

I think Dave has felt like he's "bullied" me into a couple of the creative decisions we've made so far, but that's really not the case. Truth is, I'm feeling relatively flexible at this point. Some of the ideas he's presented have, in all honesty, caused me some concern at first blush. When you do something with a combined "adventure/horror" theme, its REAL easy to end up knee deep in cheese.

And, sure, we're "The B Movie Writers," but that doesn't mean we wanna write shlock.

But in talking it over, and presenting my concerns, I'm certain he "gets it," and we're on the same sheet of music. Its a very fine line, though. One creepy crawlie too many and we've crossed into Snakes-On-A-Plane-dom. But get it right... and we've got ourselves a fun little flick.

So we'll be gut-checking constantly. Who knows... we might even want to hit up some of ya'll readers for some feedback along the way. Might be best to get a 3rd party ruling if it gets questionable.

And so we go. Dave wrote the first couple of scenes of the movie to sell me. I'm sold. So this weekend he's rewriting them, based on the conversations we've had, and then is going to write the next couple of beats. He'll then pass it back to me, I'll revise, and write the next couple of scenes after that.

And thus the process will go, much as it did with SIEGE, until we're done.

Speaking of which... word from PRODUCER DUDE is that the financing may be moved up by a week, in which case the first round could close week after next. Our contracts are supposed to go out in the mail on Monday, as well, so we may actually be seeing some forward momentum on that front, too. Tho I'm not counting my chickens JUST yet.

Stay tuned... the ball is in motion.

Charlie

Tags: b movie, Siege, screenwriting, screenplay, scriptwriter

When Inspiration Hits...

So as Charlie has mentioned, we've changed our direction.

New day, new project. It's not that the Horror idea we had (have, still have) is bad, it just hadn't caught fire within our bellies. We were finding excuses NOT to write (I've got a headache, my Dog needs to be fed, I have to obsess over American Idol, things like that) and that was resulting in- get this- us not writing.

But then I had a dream.

I don't often have dreams. Well, not ones that I remember. Well, not ones that I remember that I can also turn into a feature script. I mean sure, last night I had this dream where I was convincing my friend to give me his large zip-lock bag of cocaine so that I could take it to the police and the bad guys wouldn't kill his wife, daughter, and for some reason ostrich (this WAS a dream, after all). That, now that I think about, could be made into a movie. It may already have been, when you get right down to it. Probably starred Snoop Dogg and Tom Arnold or something.

But I digress.

I had a dream that was the first act of a pretty cool, spooky, little horror adventure. So I got up, rubbed my eyes, turned on the computer, and wrote down what I remembered.

And lo, it was good.

And lo, it was 20 pages.

And lo, I had no idea where it went next.

So I decided to share it with Charlie.

"Hey Charlie, I want you to read something."

"Have you started working on our kick-ass horror idea?"

"Uhmmmm... no."

"Oh."

"But this is good."

"And it's something you wrote INSTEAD of working on our kick-ass horror idea."

"Right."

"But it's not the OTHER project you're working on without me, the one that you're writing instead of working on our kick-ass horror project."

"Right, it's a new script."

"So you're working on TWO new scripts instead of working on our kick-ass-"

"Look, you want to read it or not?"

And he did. And he liked it. And then he asked me where I was planning on taking it next. And I said "I dunno. Let's write it together."

And there we are.

I don't want to say too much about this yet. It's horror. It's adventure. It's spooky. It's creepy. It's a lot of fun. It's got 20 pages behind it, which is more than our kick-ass horror idea has at the moment, so there ya go.

Also, writing it... the fire burned within. Gotta get that fire. That "Ooooo. I like this." fire that burns in your head and makes you type so fast your fingers hit the wrong keys. But you don't care because you gotta get it all down on paper. (Computer paper. Paper in the computer. Computer memory paper. Work with me.)

So sit back, relax, and get ready to hear all about our new project. The ins and outs. The ups and downs. The bi-coastal writing blues. Hold on for the ride.

IN OTHER NEWS. Producer Dude says we're close. Money is coming. It's in the country. It's getting a massage, soaking in oils, whatever. Charlie and I might see cash-cash mid-March.

This is me. This is me not holding my breath. This is me not counting any chickens until they have hatched. This is me pretending not to care and starting a new project with Charlie.

Hurry up and wait.

Face-lift

A new day, a new look.

Earlier today I decided it was time to give the ol' B Movie Writers blog a quickie facelift. Something a little different, to reflect the fact that we've transitioned from The Age Of Siege into something new.

Producer Dude dropped us a note today. The money, which is in some kinda offshore escrow thingie, has been approved for release. So, though it won't be in anyone's hands for a couple of weeks, Producer Dude is going to put the finishing touches on the contracts we negotiated months ago. The ball is almost, kinda, sorta, not quite, but not quite not, rolling.

And rolling is good.

The only real downside is that I'm starting to worry about the start date for the actual production. Its looking like it may well creep into May, versus April. I've been really looking forward to visiting the set, as this will be my first produced screenplay and all. However, in May I have to do some overseas travel to attend a family wedding. The kind of thing I can't miss. So, we'll have to see how the timing plays out, but I'd certainly be bummed if the two clash so completely as to prevent me from visiting the set.

I've also heard unofficial casting rumblings. It sounds like they've all but nailed down the "NAME" actor for our little flick. We can't tell you yet who it is, but I will reveal that its a name you've almost certainly heard before.

In other news, we've temporarily shelved the Horror Movie Concept. Dave came to me late last week with the first 20 pages of something he dreamt about. I still really dig the horror concept, but what he's come up with looks like it could be a lot of fun to write, and since he's excited about it, I think it'll get our creative juices flowing, which could make for a nice transition to the Horror Flick once this is done. I'll let Dave share more about the concept with you, but it has lots of potential for fun, action, and chills. And it'll definitely fit our b-move oeuvre.

Plenty more on that in future posts.

A new day, a new look, and a new creative concept. Exciting, no?!

Charlie

Tags: b movie, producer dude, horror movie, siege

So Close You Can Taste It

Another day, another email from Producer Dude saying we're close.

Actually, to give credit where credit is due, Producer Dude has been on the same timeline for some time now- money arrives beginning of March. It's just that the beginning of March is getting closer and closer. And he's not moving on that date, so the closer we get, the more likely that it's real.

But we won't know until it hits and things roll or they don't roll.

In a spark of giddiness, Charlie and I considered giving Producer Dude the script. They want to get into Pre-Production ASAP, still hoping to shoot in April, the earlier they have the script, know what they're working on, the better.

But in the end we held fast to our cojones (is that spelled right?) and didn't give him the script. And the fact that Producer Dude specifically said to us "DON'T GIVE ME THE SCRIPT UNTIL I GIVE YOU MONEY" earlier today was only PART of the reason we held firm.

After all of this, what will we do if it actually happens? Money arrives, checks don't bounce, film is made. Then what? Do we make another? If you listen to Producer Dude, he speaks of funding many pics a year, larger and larger budgets meaning larger and larger payouts to us literary knock-off types. It sounds sweet. It sounds nice.

But then it's Producer Dude. And he has the tongue of honey.

On the other hand, he HAS already made three films. Siege would be film #4. He's creating a track record, no doubt. So there's some truth in them thar hills.

It's one thing to say "We're gonna write the next movie for ourselves. Shop it around. Sell it for real money." But do you know HOW HARD THAT IS? There are THOUSANDS of scripts, scratch that, MILLIONS, floating around. It's who you know. And right now, Charlie has some contacts, and I know... Producer Dude. And Producer Dude makes my films.

All is moot, for the moment. But if March arrives and brings cash-cash, the sky's the limit.

I've got a dirty secret...

Last night I had a couple of glasses of wine too many.

Afterward I did something I feel really bad about. It makes me feel dirty just thinking about it, the day after, but it was soooo good.

And I can't believe I would have made the mistake of giving in to someone who's treated me so poorly in the past.

But, oh, its soo good.

Yes... I've been naughty. I've been watching American Idol.

Yes. The same American Idol that stole Ryan Seacrest away from the woulda-been radio juggernaut "Convince Me Countdown." The same American Idol that distracted Freemantle Media from the series I sold them, "DateNight USA."

But... DAMN American Idol is good TV. I just eat it all up. Every second of it.

So here ya go. I'm calling it early. Before they ever kick out the first kid. My predictions for the final 12. Once they get to the final 12, I'll be bold and share my GRAND WINNER prediction with ya'll.

GUYS:
- Ace (swoon)
- Taylor Hicks (does he realize he's not an 80 year old black man with palsy?)
- Chris Daughtry (the requisite rocker)
- Will Makar (the young-ish cute Bobby Brady one... he'll knock out Kevin for the little girl vote)
- Elliot Yamin (has there ever been an uglier AI contestant, who still sounds great?)
- Patrick Hall (who won't last long, but by virtue of being a dead ringer for The Great Gazoo will be around for a bit)

GIRLS:
- Becky O'Donohue (I can only pray for a Playboy pictorial once she gets booted)
- Katharine McPhee (she looks like the younger, gentler, less-sullied Katie Holmes, and can sing damn good)
- Kellie Pickler (who's Daddy is in jail and who's mamma says she can sing like an angel)
- Paris Bennett (who'll be around for a LONG time to come)
- Mandisa (one person's name, 5 people's butts)
- Lisa Tucker (the ingenue)

Who do YOU think's gonna make it?

Charlie

Tags: American Idol, taylor hicks, Ryan seacrest, b movie

An. Tici. Pation.

As you can tell by the semi-drought in recent postings, things are in a bit of a lull.

The financing for SIEGE is in the final throes of birth, and should come through any day now. At least once a week, PRODUCER DUDE IM's one or the both of us and assures us as much. If I had a nickel for every time the financing's been days away from closing... well... I could finance this bloody movie!

Anyhow... once the money clears, we'll get paid, they'll read the script, and then we'll work on rewrites. Honestly, given the timeframe, I don't think they'll be too drastic. I mean... its essentially the last week of February, and they're planning to shoot in April. That leaves ONE MONTH for pre-pro, rewrites, casting, etc, etc, etc, etc, if they stay on schedule (and that's a HUGE "if" at this point, if you ask me). So, really, how much time could they really have to focus on the script?

But... then... you already know this, right, because we're pretty much been in this position for 3 months now, and you've heard this story before.

As for the unnamed horror script... we've continued to flush out the concept through periodic email and IM exchanges, but rolling on it has yet to really "take root." Dave's been pretty slammed with non-writing stuff, but as soon as he gives me the green light, I think we'll be ready to crank up the heat on it.

In short... nothing new to report, really, but I felt bad that it'd been a week since we last posted. And though I wracked my wee brain this morning, I couldn't think of a decent ol' Hollywood story to tell. Sadly, American Idol hasn't f-ed me over lately, leaving me with a dearth of Ryan Seacrest related stories.

Bo Bice - if you're reading, feel free to TP my yard, so I have fodder for future blog posts.

Oh yeah... and Happy President's Day.

Charlie

Tags: b movie, rerun, nickel

That Wacky IMDB

Hi Folks. (Or at least, Hi, Charlie's folks.)

I'm back and couldn't help but notice Charlie's little link to the Siege entry on IMDB. You know, the one that says it's written by David Neilsen... and nobody else.

I will admit that I saw this a while ago and have been meaning to do something about it. However, I absolutely had nothing to do with putting it up there. When I first found it last month, I was as shocked as the next guy. (next guy being my co-writer, Charlie). At first, I thought maybe Charlie had put it up there, and that the reason his name wasn't on there was that since Siege will be his first IMDB entry that I'm aware of, he didn't have a page up yet, and it took longer to make a new page.

Of course that's a really stupid theory.

When it dawned on me just how lame that was, the only other explanation is that Producer Dude entered Siege into the database, and only put my name on it. Why would he do that? Well one, he knows me, and has only just met Charlie through this project. But also, he can be a little careless. Truth be told, if he found out that Charlie discovered he wasn't listed, he'd feel horrible.

So don't tell him, cause he gets embarrassing when he apologizes.

Anyway, we're fixing the problem, Charlie will be added, and this gives me an opportunity to discuss the ins and outs of that all-mighty powerful database, the IMDB.

The IMDB is a wonderful thing. I've used it as a resource for many things. But, especially when you climb down the ladder of projects (from Studio pics, to Independent, to B-Movie, to C-movie, to "My Family Vacation to Epcot") you can't always believe what you read.

Allow me to demonstrate.

I have a page. Go look at it. David Neilsen.

There are a number of things listed on this page. I specifically added none of them.

Starting at the very top, there's a bit of trivia. This trivia is, more or less, accurate. But I didn't put it there. And Lord knows I have no idea who would have bothered to put that bit of trivia up there. I mean it was the second item on my listing (I'll get to that in a minute) so you pretty much had to search me out, find me, and then take it upon yourself to add this obscure bit of trivia.

Some people need to get out more, but thanks for the ego boost.

Next up I currently have 4 items listed under "Writer". Siege has just been added, and is a real project that I am, indeed, involved with. Next we have The Eliminator, my true claim to fame. So far, so good.

Then we have The Eligible Gentleman, which I wrote, and Moist Book, which I didn't. I did not enter these films (remember, I've actually never entered anything into my entry.) However, both of these short films were directed by the same man, who I'm thinking, just forgot that I didn't write the first one. But now, until the end of the Internet, the world will think I wrote it.

Now one could say that I could get off my lazy ass and correct IMDB, take Moist Book off my listing. I could. But here's the thing. Both films were shot as a part of a project called Instant Films. I have written seven or eight Instant Films. None of the others are listed. So while I have 2 Instant Films listed, I should actually have about 8. So I'm not worried.

Also, Moist Book wasn't that great, so I doubt the author is dying to get credit for it.

Eligible Gentleman was pretty damn good, though.

Now we move on to my acting credits. I have two. Listed. Both are accurate. Both were written/directed/produced by the same friend of mine. Who actually listed me as "Dave Nelson" so I DID go in and fix that, so that they'd show up here.

I've got other acting bits that ought to find their way here, and some probably will over time.

Lastly, I'm listed as "Director" of something called Dominion.

Huh.

After doing some research, I know what Dominion is. And the listed is KINDA, ALMOST, SORTA right. But not really. A long time ago, I directed a really bad version of a couple of short films for a friend. She then re-shot all of those bits, but I was still listed as one of the directors, though nothing that I shot still remained. Now, they are re-shooting the project once again. I'm so far removed that it's silly, yet there's my name.

So really, IMDB is a crap shoot. Oh sure, the info's probably right for 40 Year-Old Virgin or War of the Worlds. But the stuff you've never heard of? Take it with a grain of salt.



Tags: imdb, The Eliminator, Moist Book, b movie

Brushes with Greatness Part II: American Idol Stikes Again

So fast forward 6 months or so from my last post, where Ryan Seacrest made what was, in retrospect, the best decision of his career by kicking me to the curb.

The bubble has burst on the dot-com mania. We've been struggling with business directions for the last 6 months or so, but have finally begun to shore up some interesting opportunities.

When we first started brainstorming the company (well before getting any funding), my then-writing/business partner Troy and I had come up with a number of interactive TV series pitches. We'd been polishing one of them - a reality TV series that NOW (2006) I would describe as American Idol meets Blind Date. At that time, though, reality TV wasn't the ubiquitous monster that it is now. Survivor had just rolled onto the scene, and was redefining the way people thought of unscripted TV. American Idol was just something Paula Abdul dreamt of in her wildest fantasies.

We'd actually shot a couple of "mini-pilots" for these series on our own dime. Guerilla filming at various interesting dating-esque locations around town (Tail o' the Pup, Staples Center, Spago, etc) and then pulling it all together into an interactive flash demo, to give some flavor to the concept.

Anyhow... Survivor was doing well enough that Reality TV was definitely interesting to the nets. So... we managed to get several pitch sessions for this series (entitled Datenight USA). Honestly, I can't remember where all we pitched. It was all a blur, its been several years ago, and Troy did 90% of the talking. I was just along because I co-created the show and he couldn't come up with a nice way to tell me to screw off, he'd pitch it alone.

I'm pretty sure we pitched Showtime and E! But the place we pitched that mattered was Pearson Television. They loved the idea and immediately made a deal for it. We nabbed ourselves a CAA agent (not that he sold squat, but someone had to pull the deal together) and secured a relatively decent deal. They optioned it for 2 years, and Troy and I both had terms ensuring we'd theoretically be involved in the production of the show itself, if it made it to air.

We were totally psyched. We went to NATPE and partied with the Pearson elite - including the Baywatch cast and Louie Anderson (host of their juggernaut Family Feud). And Louie Anderson can party. Yessirree, we were going to have the next killer show.

Then, suddenly, Pearson stopped calling. And stopped returning our calls. Our agent at CAA swore everything was on track and ok, so we didn't get too panicky. And then HE stopped returning our calls. Finally, we learned that Pearson had reorganized into Freemantle Media, and the exec that had bought our show had been replaced.

Not good. Even as a neophyte I knew that when heads roll in Hollywood, the projects related to them usually get flushed, too.

The new head of programming finally called, though. We met with him over lunch at the Buffalo Club in Santa Monica. He loved the show, he assured us, and everything was on track. He'd call us in a week or two to start talking pilot.

So we got rolling. We hired a freelance showrunner to help us start pulling together show budgets and schedules for the on-the-road portion of the show that was so crucial to the concept.

A week passed. Then two. No call.

Then three. And four. We called. No reponse.

And so it went for a month or more, before we finally got some behind the scenes intel from a friend of a friend of a cousin or something like that.

Our show had no heat. Freemantle was focused on some talent show type thing hosted by some local-market radio guy. We should resign ourselves to the show being shelved.

And so it passed. The show was never declared dead or anything. Time went by and the option lapsed. We never heard from Freemantle's suit again. At least I got a nice lunch at the Buffalo Club.

And, of course, American Idol, starring local-market-radio-guy Ryan Seacrest, went on to become a monster success. And thus, I was screwed for a second time by American Idol.

By the way... if anyone out there's interested in a bitchin' American Idol meets Blind Date TV pitch, I still have the flash presentation, some one-sheets, and Troy's phone number. Simon Fuller - give me a call, baby!

Charlie

TAGS: American Idol, Paula Abdul, simon fuller, Freemantle, b movie

Waiter Rant Rules

Just a quickie update. Dave's out of town for a few days, in case you're wondering why the talented one is being quiet.

I just wanted to note that I've added Waiter Rant to our blogroll. He's not a scriptwriter, but he's easily one of the best writers in the blogosphere. His posts are always moving. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll want to read him again and again. And you'll never look at restaurant wait staff the same way again. Check it out.

Oh yeah... and speaking of Dave. When you get back, mister... I think you've got some 'splainin' to do. Whassup with THIS?!

Charlie

Technorati tags: waiter rant, imdb, hey... where's my goddamn name

The One That Got Away...

While we wait for SIEGE to kick into gear, and the inevitable rewrites that pre-pro will bring, I thought it might be fun to regale you with some of my brushes with near-success.

As long-time readers may know by now (Hi again, Mom!), SIEGE will be the first thing I've written that actually makes it to screen. (Knock on wood). But.. prior to giving up on Hollywood and escaping to Atlanta, I made my play for greatness in LA, and had quite a few near misses.

In late '99 the dot-com boom was in full swing, and Hollywood wanted in on it. Any self-respecting mogul with a rolodex and some buddies with cash to burn wanted to start up an interactive interest of some sort. Pop.com. Icebox. DEN. iCast. Entertaindom. The list goes on.

My partners and I had a strong background in that world, and found an eager partner in Hollywood legend and movie mogul Mike Medavoy. He was looking to spread his wings and had interesting friends with great connections and deep pockets. So we started up a company.

Early on we met with one of the angel investors and board members. He was a very powerful player in the radio world, having founded one of the country's leading syndication networks. He had an upstart LA radio personality he really wanted us to create a property for.

We went to work, trying to come up with something interesting that fit this "convergence" space of radio meets internet. In the end, our pitch was THE CONVINCE ME COUNTDOWN. A nationally syndicated Top-40 style show, but heavily focused on the personality. And without Arbitron or Nielsen or anyone else determining the lineup. Nope. It was to be the first arbitrary Top-40 countdown. The internet audience spent time voting and chatting with and otherwise cajoling the host to pick what they wanted to hear. And he would go based on internet preferences, with the caveat that he could always over-ride fan opinion in lieu of his own thing. For example, you're Madonna and you have a new single? Show up at the studio to be on the show, chat with the host and audience and BOOM... #1 song in the countdown.

It was a concept of debateable quality, but it fulfilled a number of goals, including involving the audience, and most importantly, building up this fresh-faced DJ.

So the day came for us to pitch the radio host. We'd created one-sheets, put together a flash demo of how it'd work, even done some basic show scripting. We gathered at the Radio Mogul's office, and the DJ came in. A squirrley little guy.

"Hi, I'm Ryan Seacrest," he said, with a warm smile and a firm handshake.

We exchanged introductions, sat down and gave the pitch. He really liked it. At that time he was a local market guy, and the idea of a nationally syndicated show seemed like the bigtime to him.

We had a great meeting, and left agreeing to have our respective agents work things out (he'd brought his with him... a guy who, it just happened, had previously repped one of my partners).

A few days passed, and we heard nothing.

Then a week.

Then two. We put in repeated calls to his agent. Nada. Finally we got ahold of Ryan and his guy.

"Listen guys, we love the idea, but we're going to have to pass. Ryan's been offered some kind of variety show thing, and, well... it's TV."

"You've gotta be kidding me," we objected. "Like Star Search? Good luck with that pal. 2 months from now you'll be back doing local radio and will wish you'd taken this fantastic opportunity."

We hung up, shaking our heads. We were incredulous that he'd have the gall to pass on such a cool radio concept for something as lame as hosting... no... actually now that I think of it, it was CO-hosting with Brian something or another... a freaking lame-ass sounding talent show called AMERICAN IDOL. Idiot.

Of course, we know how this story turned out. He's a gazillionaire, dating models, and I'm still a dot-com donkey, living in Atlanta, praying for them to start production on a C-movie.

That wasn't the last time American Idol would spit in my face, either. But that's another fish tale, for my next post...

Charlie

Technorati tags: Ryan Seacrest, American Idol, Mike Medavoy, Radio, star search, b movie

Follow the Bouncing Carrot

So word from on high (high being Producer Dude) is that money will arrive the first week of March, shooting will begin mid-April.

A far cry from the mid-Oct. email from Producer Dude that said "Hey! I need a script I can start shooting before the end of 2005!" but if they make it, they make it.

Having had a film made by Producer Dude before (have you rented The Eliminator yet? It's great with beer!), I'm used to this. There is an element of being the donkey chasing the carrot it will never reach, but at the end of the day, it's just business. People are putting up money, and actually, quite a bit of it, to film our little Gone with the Wind spoof (if only...) and if it takes them longer and longer to get their act together than they think, well there ya go.

There's some that would say we should give up and move on. But the truth is, that makes no sense. Why?

1) It costs us nothing to keep going. At this point, the script is written. Neither Charlie nor myself are lifting a finger (nor have in a couple months or so) on Siege until money shows up in our grubby little hands.

2) There is a very good chance that Producer Dude will actually shoot this eventually. He has shot three C-movies over the last couple of years, so he has a history of making these projects.

3) It's not like we could go shop Siege anywhere else. It's a very specifically-written script. Not gonna be a whole lot of interest for it outside of Producer Dude without some serious revisions.

4) We have other projects to work on. Out of sight, out of mind.

So there you have it. Cross your fingers, and maybe we'll be celebrating in a month, treating everyone to whatever they want from the 99 cent store.

In the meantime, we need to get off our asses and start writing our epic horror story.

Boo-Ya!

Shock of Shocks... Sherry Fine drops a note...

As I mentioned in my last post, I've joined Warren Leonard and several other scribloggers (Virgin Screenwriter, Man Bytes Hollywood) in dogpiling the Screenplay Agency, a seemingly skethy "literary agency" who have yet to meet a script they don't like, and who shockingly require coverage (which they can arrange for a tidy fee, of course) before they proceed beyond a certain point. Naturally, they don't reveal this until deep into the exchange.

Anyhow... I submitted the most absurd concept I could come up with - an animated musical based on the adventures of ROSEBUD, the sled of childhood memories that haunts CITIZEN KANE.

Our good friends at the Screenplay Agency are intrigued...


------------------------------

Thank you for your query to the Screenplay Literary Agency. Based on your
query form information we would like to see your work and learn a little bit
more about your goals and your work.


1) Would you please send us an electronic copy
of your screenplay for further evaluation?

Please email your manuscript to
manuscript@thescreenplayagency.com .
(We accept Final Draft, Movie Magic, Screenwiter, and pdf, doc, and
rtf)

2) Would you please answer these 2 questions
in the body of the SAME email? (Just copy and paste
the questions).

A. How long have you been writing, and
what are your goals as a writer?

B. Do you consider your writing 'ready-to-go',
or do you think it needs some polishing.

You may send either 30 or so pages, or the entire screenplay, whichever you
are more comfortable sending to us. Your screenplay is completely safe
within our company. We take care to properly manage all access and if we
don't end up working together, we delete all files.

Please DO NOT include any questions with your submission. If you have a
question, please send it to question@TheScreenplayAgency.com where the
proper people may address your question. Most of the questions you may have
are answered on the website and at the bottom of this email. Please see the
FAQs below.


Our preference for receiving your screenplay is via email.
==============================

==================================
If the file size is greater than 5 megabytes you can mail it to us, but
please only send it once, either by email or snail mail (we prefer email).
Our mailing address is: The Screenplay Agency, 275 Madison Ave., 4th Floor,
New York, New York 10016. If you decide to mail your screenplay please be
sure to INCLUDE your email address (very clearly) so we may reply and
process your screenplay. Mailed screenplays may take up to 30 days to
reply/process. Emailed manuscripts are processed much more quickly.
We also just recently found a free service that will move large files. Take
a look at www.yousendit.com. We've used it successfully in the past. Just
use my email address.

We believe we are very different than other agencies.
==========================================================
We believe that we are unique in that we are willing to develop an author
and their talent. We like the metaphor of a business incubator as a
description of how we will take time to bring an author's work to the proper
quality level, even if it takes months to do so. We take pride in the fact
that we answer every email personally within 2-3 days.

Also, you may understand how a Literary Agency works, but many authors
don't, so please excuse me while I take a minute and let you know how the
process works. As your Literary Agent, our mission is to assist you in
finding a buyer for your work and to coach you along the way in various
options available to you. We don't edit your work, our mission is to sell
for you. As for compensation, get paid on success only, meaning we only get
paid if you get paid. Typically we will receive 10% of what you receive if
we are successful.

We do not charge fees, so our compensation is based on success only. Along
the way, we may suggest that you improve the quality of your work and or how
it is presented. Once your work is deemed 'presentable', then we'll start
shopping it to buyers. We never promise a sale, but we can tell you that we
have a model that works.

We look forward to receiving your materials.

Best regards,
Sherry Fine - V.P. Acquisitions

-------------------------

Now the tough part. Do I wanna go as far as Warren and frankenedit together a hodge-podge of crap that has nothing to do with anything (much less a singing and dancing sled) and send it off to Ms. Fine?

Hrmmm....

Tempting.

Meeting Expectations

Don't tell Charlie, but there's apparently a bunch of people salivating over this Siege script without having actually ever seen it.

Producer Dude is being very good, not asking for the script before showing us the money, but he's not hesitant in letting me know how everyone and their mother is all a-gog over this Pulitzer Prize winning opus we've created.

The Distributors are excited about it. They'd love to see it. The money people have heard how wonderful it is. Producer Dude's team is ready to break it down, budget it, etc. Hell, even the friggin' ACTORS are all on board and can't wait to see the script. One of the leading ladies stopped by Producer Dude's house looking for a copy of the script, not believing that he didn't have it yet. They've got a couple of ALMOST-names hanging by a thread, all set to sign off on it as soon as they see the script.

No pressure or anything.

I mean yipes folks, no one has seen this but Charlie and Me. For all we know, it could be crap. Producer Dude could take one look at it, turn up his nose in disgust, and curse our names from here to eternity. We could be burned in effigy for our efforts. The entire B-movie (C-movie?) world could spurn us, turn us into a laughing stock, the punchline of a cruel joke.

"You remember what happened to those boobs who wrote Siege?"

"Didn't they end up shoveling camel dung in the Sahara for a living?"

"Not so much shoveling as picking up with their bare hands."

"Ah."

This is one of my issues with Producer Dude. He likes everything, he trusts just about everybody, he has unalterable faith in those he knows. Admirable traits, but man you just want to smack him on the noggin every now and then out of frustration and angst. He's so sure that this is a fine script, so sure that we've done a good job, that's he's gone and told everyone what a great script he has, how it's the perfect movie for the budget, how it'll be easy to make, how it'll make a ton of money. And the thing about Producer Dude is.. people believe him. So they think this script is great. If it isn't top notch, do you think they're gonna say:

"Producer Dude! Why did you tell us this was good? It's homogenized feces!"

No. They're gonna say:

"Feeble writers! Thou art hereby banish-ed from our sight. Be gone! And no more cookies!"

So we've got our little Sword of Damocles hanging over our heads.

Now truthfully, I think we're fine. The script is a wonder of modern C-movie magic waiting to happen. It dodges, it weaves, it runs and jumps, it folds, spindles, and mutilates. It is Da Bomb. Well, maybe not Da Bomb. Maybe da bomb. Or even the bomb. But there's bombiness about. In a good way.

I mean Producer Dude HAS read a treatment. So he knows, more or less, what happens. So we're not going to get the angry emails demanding to know where the huge slot car chase has gone. But has he read one line of dialogue? Well, unless he looks at our site (probably not) he hasn't. That means YOU, dear readers have a better idea of the ultimate quality of our script than the people poised to drop close to half a million bucks on it.

I hope you're happy with yourselves.

Newest update: Movement continues, money should be in Producer Dude's hands (and then in ours) by Feb. 20th at the latest.

Wish us luck.

Tags: b movie

Dogpiling The Screenplay Agency

I've had great fun reading Warren Leonard's posts about The Screenplay Agency, a sketchy "literary agency" for screenwriters. Warren and several other scribloggers (Virgin Screenwriter, Man Bytes Hollywood) have all submitted utterly ridiculous concepts (no offense) and have all received identical form-letter replies from the agency, who are apparently very interested.

Never one to resist taking the piss out of hucksters, I've decided to join the fray. Here is my submission:

How Did You Hear of Us?
Referred by Ben Affleck. Not *THE* Ben Affleck. My high school buddy Benjamin Affleck. He sells insurance. Which is funny, because he sells it for Prudential, not AFLAC. Go figure.

The Title of Your Work:
Rosebud's Big Adventure

Logline/Synopsis:
Cinema's most famous sled returns in this animated musical that's sure to tickle your funnybone and warm the deepest "Welles" of your heart.

Your Name:
Jedediah Leland

Has Your Work Been Edited or Critiqued, and if So, By Whom?
Ben Affleck sure liked it! ;)

Your Bio:
I was born at a very early age, the son of poor sharecroppers. All my life I had a simple dream - to write. In high school I wrote several plays, including Marsten High's highest grossing presentation to date, a stage adaptation of the classic film "I Spit On Your Grave."

Since High School I haven't had any of my works produced or presented, but I've been writing regularly, with gusto. I've recently retired and live in an assisted-living facility with a computer lab, complete with high-speed internet! I'm looking forward to focusing full-time on my craft again.

If history and the experience of Warren and the others proves true, I should hear from one Sherry Fine, VP of Acquisitions in the very near future. I'll keep you all posted.

That said, wouldn't it be a hoot if my crap idea were the one she rejects!!

Stay tuned.

Charlie

Just Say No to Bad Advice.

For the last week or so I've been watching American Idol, and its led me to one conclusion about America: 99% of us are either deluded, or have taken some really bad advice.

The deluded ones are easy to spot. They strut in, proclaiming themselves the "A.T.E." (All Terrain Entertainer), because they can sing, rap, dance, play the accordian, and skydive better than anyone else on the planet. And they believe it.

You can see it coming a mile away. Naturally, they suck. They get the inevitable beatdown (Randy: "Not doing it for me, dawg." Paula: "I'm gonna pass, sweetie." Simon: "Holy Christ, did someone just split your head open and pour crap into it, so that you could then spew it out once you stepped into this audition?!"). And they deserve it. Confidence = good. Arrogance = beatdown.

But the sad ones to watch are where the poor kid's been deceived into believing they can sing by someone who's given them some REALLY bad advice. It usually goes something like this:

--Sweet 16 year old farm girl enters. Nervously warbles her way through "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. Its awful.--

Randy: You seem like a real sweet girl, dawg, but that just didn't do it for me.

Paula: Yeah, sweetie. You're adorable, but maybe you should focus on another career.

Simon: HOLY F**KING CHRIST ON A POGO STICK!! You are the worst singer I've ever heard in my life. Did someone ram a jackhammer up your arse during that, because I've heard less screeching during lights-out in at an all-male prison! Who in God's name told you to audition for a singing competition?

Young girl (Sheepishly): My mamma says I have the voice of an angel. I usually sing when I feed the hogs on our farm, and she always comes out and listens. She says I should be a superstar, and she brung me here to try out.

Simon: Your mum's insane, young lady. And that outfit? Does your mum know you're even wearing that?! You look like a bloody crack whore.

Young girl (Embarassed): My mamma picked this outfit, sir. Funny you should mention it - she's a crack whore.


I think there's just something about creative arts that inspire people to give advice, far too often bad. When talking about writing, people offer up an OPINION, and the opinion's evil twin, ADVICE far too often.

"Oh, man. I hate Horror movies..." (opinion)"...You should write something like Brokeback Mountain." (advice)

Which isn't to say that advice isn't valuable. I solicit it all the time. If it weren't for Dave's advice (and hopefully mine in return), SIEGE wouldn't be the modern masterpiece that it's sure to become. I can't tell you how many times we had exchanges like this:

Charlie: So what'd you think of the scene I sent you last night?

Dave: Well... on page 81 you have a boat crashing into the attic.

Charlie: Yeah!! Kickass, huh?! That'll get the adrenaline pumping.

Dave: Um, yeah. But... a boat?

Charlie: You love it, huh?

Dave: Its the attic. How's a boat get into the attic?

Charlie: Um... from the ramp.

Dave: Uh huh. And the water would be where?

Charlie: Oh yeah. No water, huh?

Dave: I think you should maybe give this scene another pass.

Charlie (Sheepishly): My mamma says I can write like an angel...


Dave's saved my butt from many a bad move with his sage wisdom. But Dave and I have a unique relationship. For example, my wife has never read any of my screenplays. Not ONE. Not that I haven't asked her. I'm relatively confident that she thinks they suck, and worries that, upon reading one, she'll have to give me her opinion or advice. Or worse, she'll lose all respect for me after reading the scene where I drive a boat into the attic. But Dave... he can tell me these things. Mostly because he already has no respect for me.

And you. YOU. Oh... you. A few posts ago, on this very blog, I solicited ya'll to share your favorite on-screen horror murders. This indirect bit of advice I was looking for was to find out what scares people, hopefully better driving our new work. Mind you, NOT A BLOODY SOUL REPLIED, but it did get the juices flowing just to think about what you MIGHT have said.

Another bit of advice I get alot is from people looking for a moment of immortality, of a sort.

Friend: So... I was thinking. You should have the main guy in your script be a really hot gay guy named Tim.

Charlie: Well... he's married in the script, and is trying to save his wife.

Friend: Sure, but he could be married to a guy. Trying to save his lover. It could be set in Vermont.

Charlie: I dunno how well that'll play in Malaysia...

I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear that one came from my gay friend Tim, who, I'm guessing, fancies himself to be really hot.

Which isn't to say that we're above naming characters after friends or people we admire. If I had a nickel for everytime I've had to kickback one of Dave's drafts because it had "GUNMAN B'NARTH GRACK OF THE THIRD KLINGON TRIBE" or he's IMed me to complain about me "once again trying to sneak in GUNMAN NATALIE PORTMAN," I'd be a rich man.

In fact, in the current draft, there are a couple of characters named after regular readers/posters of this blog. No guarantee they'll make it to the shooting script or the screen, but we've appreciated the interaction, and have tried to toss in a few shout-outs. Excited yet, GUNMAN KATHY, SOLDIER DENISE, CORPSE A.C., HELICOPTER PILOT LEONA, and HOT GAY GUNMAN TIM?

Anyhow... the bottom line is, feel free to give advice. But feel free to ignore it, too. I'll continue to value advice offered up by all of my friends, family members, and readers of this blog. And I'll take much of it. But don't be offended when I ignore your calls to "put more gay horseback riders into it..."

Charlie

P.S. On a related note, I'm beginning to regret having taken advice from my former Tax Advisor...



Technorati tags: American Idol, richard hatch, brokeback mountain, bad advice, klingons, natalie portman

Hi! My Name Is...

While we wait for the wheels of B-moviedom to turn, turn, turn, thoughts speed towards our next brush with greatness.. THE NEXT GREAT SCRIPT FROM DAVE AND CHARLIE.

Personally, I don't see how anything with the heading of "From the creators of Siege..." can fail, so I'm all jazzed about it. As you've read here on this blog ('in these pages' sounds better, but isn't really accurate, is it?) we're doing horror. Preferably SCARY horror. And we're in the dragging-our-butts phase of trying to put everything together.

Today, I'd like to talk about characters. Specifically, who I want to put in our little film.

Horror films have stereotypes. People who you expect to see. While I love stereotypes (our rule on Siege was "If it's not a stereotype, don't write the character in there") I'm looking and thinking of people we don't normally see on screen.

How about a character in a wheelchair? Not someone who's entire reason of existence is "The Guy in the Wheelchair" but a regular character who happens to be in a wheelchair. Think about the doctor on CSI. He has a limp and a cane, obviously something wrong with his legs. (I think it's actually the actor- not a character thing) but they don't talk about it. It's a non-issue. His handicap just adds to his flavor. Similarly, in the short-lived series Threshold, one of the main characters was played by Peter Dinklage, the ... uhm.. how do you say it in PC talk these days? Oh screw it, the midget. He was awesome. And his character had no reason to be small, (I actually read the script for the pilot episode, and he's just another character) they just decided to cast Peter Dinklage. Who's a great actor. (And I may be mis-spelling his name. Forgive me, Peter.

So let's put a main character in a wheelchair.

Or maybe a Born-Again Christian who never talks about her religion or tries to evangelize anyone. She's a normal character, who happens to be right-wing, born-again fundamentalist. Or conversely, a left-wing conspiracy freak. What kinds of people interest me, as a writer?

That's some of the joy of starting off a new project like this: no rules. I want to create a character who's into Feng Shui, I do so. And while I can't imagine his or her Feng Shui knowledge being central to the story, it's a cool element to pepper and color our cast.

You got anyone you'd like to see in a horror story?

QUICK NOTE: At a recent reading of my non-Charlie script, I got the comment that it read like a very exciting B-Movie. Now having written and made some B-Movies, I was insulted, because I was hoping my new script was more mainstream than that. But they explained that B-movie now means things like Anaconda, Underworld, stuff like that. Movies that make 60, 70, 80 million bucks that are generally dismissed by the critics. Well Hell, I'd love my other project to get made and rake in 70 million at the box office, so I'll take that as a compliment. Straight-to-video movies like Siege are apparently now called C-Movies.

I don't know if that means we need to re-name the blog.

Brainstorming on Brainstorming

We're *really* *really* close to wrapping things up with SIEGE, I'm told. Dave and Producer Dude recently had a really interesting conversation that went something like this:

>Producer Dude: So we're *really* *really* close to wrapping things up with SIEGE.

>Dave: Cool. So when do we get paid?

>Producer Dude: Have you ever tried Skype? Its the coolest. I'm using it with the partners on this job. They're in England and Ireland, but it sounds like they're next door.

>Dave: Great. I'll check it out. So... about the money.

>Producer Dude: You really should download and install Skype. Free calls.

>Dave: I'm gonna need free calls if we don't get paid soon.

>Producer Dude: Yessirreee... www.skype.com...

So, as you can see, any day now the checks should come through.

In other news, we've been a bit lax lately in rolling forward with the new horror concept. We really need to put our heads together and pound through the details, in order to come up with a solid outline, which we can use to direct the more specific writing process.

The geographic distance between us makes it hard to have a good tete-a-tete, though. If only there were some way for us to easily and inexpensively brainstorm aloud.

Wait. I've got it.

SKYPE!

Technorati tags: skype, horror movies, getting paid, tete-a-tete

We Have Movement!

And not just in the bowels.

Producer Dude sends his best in an email/IM exchange whereby it seems that the immovable icebergs of foreign banks have melted just enough to illicit the flow of a slushy, monetary substance known as Cash-Cash.

Said Cash-Cash has not, of course, arrived in the Promised Land of the Free, however, it has boarded the Midnight Train to Georgia and is currently sipping mint juleps and entertaining fellow passengers with witty tidbits of mirth.

Producer Dude claims that Cash-Cash will arrive in this vice-ridden nation of America within a few days, and that, once it's given a proper shake-down, discreet portions of Cash-Cash will trickle down into the grubby hands of the Little People.

That's us.

What does this mean for Siege? Means it's going forward. Means they're really gonna make it. Means it's time to start casing the 99-cent store, checking out what I'm gonna splurge on with my portion.

Now granted, Cash-Cash is not yet in my account. So I'm holding off on purchasing that handy-dandy new egg timer for the moment. But a major hurdle has been hurdled. Or, perhaps more honstely, Producer Dude has eliminated one of his excuses. There may be more excuses to come, but that particular one can not be raised again or we shall do unspeakable things to unmentionable things in protest.

Script-wise, it means nothing. We continue to sit at the keyboard, finger poised over the "Send Script To Producer Dude Now" button. When Cash-Cash rears it's beloved head in our mailbox (along with it's less-glamourous cousin, Mr. Contract) then push said button we shall. At which point Producer Dude will read the script, then send it back to us for a complete re-write ("Can you make all of the characters midgets? I know a guy...") and the whell of creative effort will turn once again.

But until then.. we have movement.

I'm all a-tingly.

"Eeefff Onlee Baywatch Vas Steeel On..."

I'd like to take a moment today to digress from our usual hand-wringing over the writing process, and reflect briefly on the Golden Globes, which were handed out last night in Beverly Hills.

Walking distance from my ol' pad, which I foolishly left behind for a "new life" in Atlanta. *Snort* Great call, Charlie. How's that new house workin' out for ya?

But I digress from my digression. The Golden Globes.

Best TV Series - Drama - LOST. Ok. Of the nominations available here, I'm down with lost. But how the heck are Grey's Anatomy, Lost, Prison Break, Commander in Chief, and Rome the BEST we have to offer? Rome? Sure. I'll even buy Lost and Prison Break to some degree (tho I'd contend that while Prison Break is a FUN show, its hardly a GOOD show). Where's Battlestar Galactica, easily the best drama on TV? Where's Bochco's Over There? Where's The Shield? I mean... Grey's Anatomy? Gimme a freakin' break.

And speaking of HBO's Rome... how could the men on that series have been totally overlooked? Sure, Polly Walker was great (and who knew she looked so young in real life), but... WTF? Ignoring Ciaran Hinds as Caesar, or Kevin McKidd and Ray Stevenson as the fantastic Lucius and Titus?

I don't get the Hollywood Foreign Press. I gotta wonder if they really just like crap TV and ignore the actual quality stuff. I guess you could call it the "BAYWATCH" factor. Or maybe they don't get HBO, FX and SCI-FI abroad? I mean... surely the TV critic for the Khazikstan Daily News could grab the latest episode of Battlestar Galactica off of BitTorrent, right?

My "YES, THERE IS A GOD," Moment: Mary Louise Parker beating out the catty pack of Desperate Housewives she-devils. I enjoyed season one of Desperate Housewives, but its devolved into the schlocky soaps that it used to brilliantly lampoon. Mary Louise Parker, on the other hand, is a great actress in a clever, funny series.

Outfits worth noting - UGLY Category:
- Drew Barrymore, who clearly needs a Victoria's Secret push-up bra.
- Gwenneth Paltrow, who stole her gown from a Medieval Times dressing room.
- Ah... screw it. I can't bring myself to look at any more pictures on EOnline.com to try to figure out what was good or bad in fashion.

Best Award Speeches:
- Hugh Laurie's "Random-Thank-You's-In-My-Pocket" Speech
- Geena Davis' "Inspiring Little Girls" Speech
- Steve Carell's "Wife Wrote My Speech" Speech

In short... a rather unremarkable year for the Golden Globes. Mediocre nominees and, for a large part, mediocre winners. I was glad to see a few underdogs shine through, but largely think the foreign press need to stick with watching Benny Hill and Colpo Grosso reruns, and quit elevating some of our weakest offerings beyond the levels they deserve.

Charlie

P.S. Eh. That was largely unrewarding to post. In the future I'll stick with whining about the scripts.

Melding of the Minds

And we're back in the saddle.

Faced with our first truly creative sparring, Charlie and I went back into our corners, sulked, drank heavily, and came out fighting. The end result was a merging of ideas.

To go back to my earlier analogy: Charlie said "Flying saucers." I read that as "Aliens from outer space." Charlie meant "killer tea plates." We've now come back and totally agreed that it means "a bunch of mean, drunk (i.e. 'sauced') pilots."

OK, the analogy doesn't quite stretch, but what it means is we came to a really cool conclusion that wasn't what either one of us were pushing. So we're happy, moving forward, ordering matching his and his towels, etc.

Now, with a very nice set-up to go along with our killer premise, we need to fill in the details. Location. Characters. Etc. We know now what sort of evil we're dealing with, we've gone down that road and come out with motivation, surprises, history, methods, etc. We've crafted a very light, sketchy outline of the parameters of the story. Why this is happening here and now. Next, we create our good guys.

How are they going to overcome the evil that we've created in our little world?

We're still a long way from writing. A long way from the nitty-gritty. A long way from actually making things scary.

But the road is now a little easier to walk down.

First hurdle hurdled.

What Makes You Crap Your Shorts?

I'm going to gloss over Dave's last post. Sure, it seems like maybe we're coming at this movie from different perspectives, but I'm sure we'll find common ground.

So long as he comes around to my way of seeing things.

I kid, of course, but I wanted to go through an exercise that I think will help Dave and I think it through, and will also be a lot of fun.

Mind you, it'll also most likely expose the fact that we have all of one person reading, but hey... we're nothing if not transparent. B-movie writers don't garner a huge fan base. Well... not unless you're Roger Corman or Russ Meyers.

So here's the question:


What horror movie murders scared the unholy jumpin' bejesus out of you?

Big point of order to note - this doesn't ask what MOVIES were good. Just classic horror-movie killings.

For example, when I was 13, I first saw FRIDAY THE 13TH (oooh... creepy that I was... THIRTEEN when I saw it - cue thunder and a flash of lightning). There's a scene in that flick when a then-unknown Kevin Bacon lounges on a sleepaway camp bunk bed, having just engaged in the most egregious of horror movie sins - premartial teen sex.

Suddenly - without any warning, an arrow slams through the mattress and pierces his throat, killing him dead.

THAT, my friends, scared me silly.

Those of you that are horror movie fans know that the first Friday the 13th was hands-down the best. The killer wasn't a cartoonish oaf in a hockey mask that can't be killed. Nope... it was as human as they get - a grieving mom, avenging the death of her son, who drowned at Camp Crystal Lake due to the negligence of the sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll addled counselors.

THAT to me is scary. Nothing supernatural or mystical. Just a pissed off mom, skewering a Speedo-wearing Kevin Bacon because he banged the basket-weaving instructor.

I checked my closets, under my bed, even in dresser drawers for months after seeing that flick, hellbent on ensuring there were no arrow-wielding DeathMoms hiding out.

Not that I was having premarital teensex.

But I digress. That's a classic horror movie death that scared me witless. What did it for you?

Post. Go on. I dare you.

Charlie

P.S. Thanks to The Red Right Hand (I can't write that without hearing that classic "bong" bell sound from the Nick Cave tune) and Sanctum of the ScriptWeaver for blogrolling us. As blogging newbies, its great to be in such distinguished company.

Technorati tags: Friday the 13th, kevin bacon, horror movies, horror

Devil in the Details

So Charlie and I are tossing about a story idea, ready to write the next, great film that you will shell out money for.

We have a brilliant hook- supplied by Charlie.

And we have.. an issue. Lots of them. Bushels of them.

See, his hook said one thing to me, and it seems something slightly different to him. Now, it's his hook, so there is that. But it SPOKE to me in a language that, well, is slightly different than how it chatted with Charlie. So we're going back and forth and, well, we're connecting but not quite connecting, if you know what I mean.

Here, I'll demonstrate without giving anything away.

Charlie: I've got a great idea! We'll do a movie about flying saucers!

Dave: Great! Aliens from outer space are hot, it can be scary. We need to figure out what they want, why they're here, what they do to people, why it's scary, who our heros are. This is awesome!

Charlie: What do you..? No, I mean a bunch of saucer plates that are flying around the room. Killing people. Folks think they're having tea, and they pick up their cups and the saucers fly up and kill them! Scary!

Dave: *insert sound of crickets*

Charlie: What? You said you liked the idea?

OK, it's not THAT bad, and truth told, you could switch the interpretations if you want and get the same result. I want deadly tea-cozies, Charlie wants deranged E.T. clones. The end result is the same, we have issues to work out.

In some ways, Siege was so much easier for us because of the restraints.

One location. Action. One hero. Lots of dead bad guys. Rinse. Repeat.

With this script, the sky's the limit. We can do ANYTHING. And so we are taking some time narrowing down our field. At this point, we know we're not doing a movie that takes place underwater, and that it's probably live-action.

It's a start.

Oh, and we're probably going to kill people. Probably.