The deluded ones are easy to spot. They strut in, proclaiming themselves the "A.T.E." (All Terrain Entertainer), because they can sing, rap, dance, play the accordian, and skydive better than anyone else on the planet. And they believe it.
You can see it coming a mile away. Naturally, they suck. They get the inevitable beatdown (Randy: "Not doing it for me, dawg." Paula: "I'm gonna pass, sweetie." Simon: "Holy Christ, did someone just split your head open and pour crap into it, so that you could then spew it out once you stepped into this audition?!"). And they deserve it. Confidence = good. Arrogance = beatdown.
But the sad ones to watch are where the poor kid's been deceived into believing they can sing by someone who's given them some REALLY bad advice. It usually goes something like this:
--Sweet 16 year old farm girl enters. Nervously warbles her way through "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. Its awful.--
Randy: You seem like a real sweet girl, dawg, but that just didn't do it for me.
Paula: Yeah, sweetie. You're adorable, but maybe you should focus on another career.
Simon: HOLY F**KING CHRIST ON A POGO STICK!! You are the worst singer I've ever heard in my life. Did someone ram a jackhammer up your arse during that, because I've heard less screeching during lights-out in at an all-male prison! Who in God's name told you to audition for a singing competition?
Young girl (Sheepishly): My mamma says I have the voice of an angel. I usually sing when I feed the hogs on our farm, and she always comes out and listens. She says I should be a superstar, and she brung me here to try out.
Simon: Your mum's insane, young lady. And that outfit? Does your mum know you're even wearing that?! You look like a bloody crack whore.
Young girl (Embarassed): My mamma picked this outfit, sir. Funny you should mention it - she's a crack whore.
I think there's just something about creative arts that inspire people to give advice, far too often bad. When talking about writing, people offer up an OPINION, and the opinion's evil twin, ADVICE far too often.
"Oh, man. I hate Horror movies..." (opinion)"...You should write something like Brokeback Mountain." (advice)
Which isn't to say that advice isn't valuable. I solicit it all the time. If it weren't for Dave's advice (and hopefully mine in return), SIEGE wouldn't be the modern masterpiece that it's sure to become. I can't tell you how many times we had exchanges like this:
Charlie: So what'd you think of the scene I sent you last night?
Dave: Well... on page 81 you have a boat crashing into the attic.
Charlie: Yeah!! Kickass, huh?! That'll get the adrenaline pumping.
Dave: Um, yeah. But... a boat?
Charlie: You love it, huh?
Dave: Its the attic. How's a boat get into the attic?
Charlie: Um... from the ramp.
Dave: Uh huh. And the water would be where?
Charlie: Oh yeah. No water, huh?
Dave: I think you should maybe give this scene another pass.
Charlie (Sheepishly): My mamma says I can write like an angel...
Dave's saved my butt from many a bad move with his sage wisdom. But Dave and I have a unique relationship. For example, my wife has never read any of my screenplays. Not ONE. Not that I haven't asked her. I'm relatively confident that she thinks they suck, and worries that, upon reading one, she'll have to give me her opinion or advice. Or worse, she'll lose all respect for me after reading the scene where I drive a boat into the attic. But Dave... he can tell me these things. Mostly because he already has no respect for me.
And you. YOU. Oh... you. A few posts ago, on this very blog, I solicited ya'll to share your favorite on-screen horror murders. This indirect bit of advice I was looking for was to find out what scares people, hopefully better driving our new work. Mind you, NOT A BLOODY SOUL REPLIED, but it did get the juices flowing just to think about what you MIGHT have said.
Another bit of advice I get alot is from people looking for a moment of immortality, of a sort.
Friend: So... I was thinking. You should have the main guy in your script be a really hot gay guy named Tim.
Charlie: Well... he's married in the script, and is trying to save his wife.
Friend: Sure, but he could be married to a guy. Trying to save his lover. It could be set in Vermont.
Charlie: I dunno how well that'll play in Malaysia...
I'm sure you'll be shocked to hear that one came from my gay friend Tim, who, I'm guessing, fancies himself to be really hot.
Which isn't to say that we're above naming characters after friends or people we admire. If I had a nickel for everytime I've had to kickback one of Dave's drafts because it had "GUNMAN B'NARTH GRACK OF THE THIRD KLINGON TRIBE" or he's IMed me to complain about me "once again trying to sneak in GUNMAN NATALIE PORTMAN," I'd be a rich man.
In fact, in the current draft, there are a couple of characters named after regular readers/posters of this blog. No guarantee they'll make it to the shooting script or the screen, but we've appreciated the interaction, and have tried to toss in a few shout-outs. Excited yet, GUNMAN KATHY, SOLDIER DENISE, CORPSE A.C., HELICOPTER PILOT LEONA, and HOT GAY GUNMAN TIM?
Anyhow... the bottom line is, feel free to give advice. But feel free to ignore it, too. I'll continue to value advice offered up by all of my friends, family members, and readers of this blog. And I'll take much of it. But don't be offended when I ignore your calls to "put more gay horseback riders into it..."
Charlie
P.S. On a related note, I'm beginning to regret having taken advice from my former Tax Advisor...
Technorati tags: American Idol, richard hatch, brokeback mountain, bad advice, klingons, natalie portman
Comments for this post
Posts
