Sunday, December 23, 2007

A Christmas Miracle

...and so I'm all like... "I don't care WHAT you do for Fabio, I can't score women for you."


Oh... wow... hey, you! I sure didn't expect to see you here.
(Excuse me for a few minutes guys...)

Wow. Look at you. You look incredible. How long's it been?

God, that long? Jeez. I knew it had been awhile, but I didn't realize how time had just slipped away from me. You really do look great. I dig the new hair - bangs - totally works. Super cute.

I really meant to get in touch... it's just that work has been totally crazy -- I was in China for a few weeks, and then Thanksgiving - hey do you call it Bangsgiving now? Hahah! Um... yeah... I bet you don't miss the lame jokes, huh? Anyhow, my paying gig's been so crazy I just haven't had any spare time at all. Its all good, though... China was amazing, and I got a nice promotion and a big office...

Man, I miss the good old days. Remember how we used to snuggle in the morning under that big comforter of yours?

What? Oh. God. That's embarassing. Sure sign I'm getting old... memory's going, heh. I could have sworn we used to do that.

My writing? Yeah. We haven't seen each other in ages, but that probably hasn't changed much. Dave and I finished up the un-named horror/thriller thingie, and then I was going to do a polish, but I got so busy with work... And remember Producer Dude? As usual, he's reappeared after months of silence and is again promising the movie is going to move forward sometime REALLY REALLY REALLY soon. But, you know... that's pretty much the same story as last time I saw you. And, for that matter, when we first met.

You knew all of that already? How?

Oh... I didn't realize you and Dave still talked. Huh. Do you guys see each other often? Really? I can't believe he hasn't mentioned that.

Um... well... I should probably get back to my buddies. Tim always gets drunk at these Christmas parties and ends up making out with the busboy or something. I don't want to miss it. But - hey - let's get together after the holidays. It'd be great to hang out and really catch up.

Ok. Yeah... you, too. And you really do look hot. Cheers!

Right... bye!

(God, how awkward was THAT?)

- Charlie

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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

A Bigger Slice of Nothing

I have gone through another round of contract negotiations with Producer Dude.

That sounds a lot more impressive than it really is.

"So, Producer Dude, what's up?"

"We're so close, David. Tell Charlie that we're so very close. In fact, I need to look at our contract again."

"The one we haven't signed because you've never gotten a finished version back to us?"

"Yes, that one."

"Well alright, but it'll cost ya."

And so it goes. Every time Producer Dude "re-opens" the contract, I make sure we get more money. That's not as difficult as it seems, either.

"What did we agree upon again, David? I can't remember."

"You were giving us X for the script."

"Really? X? That seems-"

"X. We agreed."

"Oh. OK. Let me make a note..."

In reality, X is generally the previous amount x 2. True, twice nothing is still nothing, but it makes me feel good.

So there's another contract that he's once again sending to his people. Then, according to the plan, he will send it back to us to sign. We get a mighty option signing bonus (so we can buy a new toothbrush) and then sit and wait for production to start.

Sure, we've been here for the past 15 months or so. But this time, when Hell freezes over, we end up with a slightly larger chunk of change.

If he keeps this up, we'll get real money in a few contracts. Hell, you double a single grain of rice long enough...

Monday, November 12, 2007

I Have Had Charlie Cryogenically Frozen

Hello out there in Blog Land.

I haven't written as much as usual. But Charlie hasn't written anything at all.

Because he can't. He's cryogrenically frozen.

I grew tired of his whining and complainng that I didn't like his work, that I stole all the spotlight, that I got the best Blog-Groupies, so I snuck into his house, found him in the shower singing old Erasure songs, kidnapped him (or rather, adultnapped him), stuffed him into a burlap sack, beat him a few times with the an 8-track player, carted him over to "Chillin", and all-night cryo clinic, zapped his ass cold, and stuffed him in a meat locker.

So don't expect anything from him soon.

We're still writing, of course. Well, I am. Charlie's thinking about things as best he can at 2 degrees Kelvin. I'm working on projects and projects. Producer Dude is making noises once again about a contract, about making Seige. Noise is just that, however, until the payola is recieved and the cameras roll.

Now, when I say we are writing, I of course mean that we are writing only so much as it is allowed with the current Writer' Strike. We can write for ourselves, which is what we're doing. We can actually write for Producer Dude, because he is so small and unimportant that he isn't a target of the strike. See, there's a list of companies that you can not work for, and it's really, really long. And yet Producer Dude isn't on it.

That's right, we're in the corridors of power now, baby!

So anyway, there's your update.

Choke on it.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

A World of Possibilities

Nothing new from Producer Dude.

Nothing new on any front that I'm working on solo.

Nothing new from Charlie on the script that is in his hands. (That boy can be slow when he wants to be).

Nothing new in my own head about any ideas.

Nothing new on our comedy, ripe for the plucking by some astute Hollywood exec looking for the next big thing.

And yet today I feel as if the world is at my feet.

There is no explanation for this. There is no proof that the world is, in fact, lying at my feet. Rather, it is a feeling. A sensation. A jolt of free will.

Perhaps tomorrow, all will be as it was, and we will again languish in obscurity. But for now, it is a new dawn, filled with promise.

Feeling lucky.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

When They'll Take Anything

I'm working on a short film adaptation of a post I wrote last month that got some interest from an Independent Producer (not Producer Dude).

It's a cute little story about The Time I Helped Some Jews (Yeah, that's a link to the story. Go read it if ya want a good read).

The problem with the situation is that this producer, while very nice and very enthusiastic, isn't the most... picky. Basically, they really like the story, they really want to turn it into a short film, and they're happy as all get-out that I'm willing to write the screenplay for them. (As if I'd let anyone else touch my own story).

But they'll gladly take whatever I give them. And that's not a good thing.

Because I need editors. I need people who will read my first few drafts and point out where the script sucks. Otherwise, you get a bad script, which becomes a bad film, which becomes a waste of all our time.

I'm probably gonna send a copy over to Charlie soon (shhhh, he doesn't know yet) and my wife's already looked at it and torn it apart, but it's discouraging to know that I could send crap to the producer and I'd get:

"Awesome, Dave! Just awesome! Thanks so much! We'll let you know when we shoot it! You're the best!"

Now I love to hear that, of course, but when it comes without qualifications, then what's the point?

In many ways, this is also a problem with Producer Dude. He loves EVERYTHING.

We had to hold back Siege until we felt it was good, other people had told us it was good, what have you. Because he loves EVERYTHING. Thinks it's all really great, can't wait to make the movie. (cough, cough.) It's why he's still making B-movies, because he doesn't care about the script. Or rather, he cares, but he is unable to tell when something isn't very good.

I have a script I wrote for him, like, 8 years ago (yipes, it's been a while) and he mentioned the thought of pushing it back to another money man, get some more funding. The subject's coming back around to being timely again, maybe now's the time to do it.

Thing is, I read the script. It's HORRIBLE. Yes, I wrote it, all by my lonesome, but it sucks to high Heaven. And he wants to shoot it?

I don't know why I care, this is Producer Dude we're talking about, so it'll get made in about 2017, but the fact that he even considers making that script is chilling.

Sometimes, we writers need someone to tell us that our shit stinks.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Mum's The Word

So we've been quiet for awhile.

And by "WE" I mostly mean... well... "ME."

See... Dave did his pass of clean-up of my rewrites to the unnamed Gay-Porn/Airliner-Disaster/Urban-Comedy/Barbarella-remake.  I then read the whole thing from the beginning again.

And thought of stuff that should be different.

We were almost there.  I should have kept my mouth shut, said it was perfect, and let him toss it to his manager, who instantly hates anything we do together anyhow.  But I didn't.  I tossed out ideas, some of which Dave agreed with.

So now the onus is on me to do another rewrite.  I need to do it.  I've been meaning to do it.  Now I just need to make time.  Kinda like blogging!  Heh. 

I was out in Los Angeles last week, catching up with friends.  Did some hustling, trying to get the raunchy comedy screenplay read, but didn't have much luck.  Guess no one wanted a date with "the hottest old man on Santa Monica at 3am" in exchange for reading the screenplay.  I'll continue to work it, though.

And the latest on Siege is the same as the oldest on Siege.  Any day now, things are going crazy, its gonna be huge, biggest movie of 2004, yadda yadda yadda.

Anyhow... that's pretty much the latest.  Sorry its been a bit slow lately, true believers.  Things will pick back up soon, though, especially to hear Producer Dude tell it.  And if not, we'll keep writing about not writing! 

- Charlie

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Saturday, September 08, 2007

Comedy Not

Sad news Campers,

My Manager had her people read our awesome, can't-miss comedy and said, in so many words:


Truth is, this was an uphill climb, because My Manager sees me as the Sci-Fi/Horror genre guy. So to throw a sex comedy in My Manager's face was daring, to say the least.

but My Manager has now passed on this script twice, and there will be no third time.

So where does that leave us? Well, we have a kick-ass, can't miss comedy script. So Charlie has entered it into a contest, we may enter it into others, we will continue to look for avenues and people to get it out to, but beyond that, we're scrapped.

Anyone want to make a raunchy, hilarious, can't-miss, kick-ass comedy? Probably cost under $5 million with the right cast. Done right, this baby'll rake it in at the box office.

Just like Siege...

Oh right. Siege. Here's the latest on that one.

Producer Dude said to me, just yesterday, that we are "Oh, so f%*@#ing close! Money is almost there! I'll be in touch with you guys so very, very soon!"


I thought making movies was supposed to be easy?

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Ping Pong to Ding Dong

I have finished my fantastic, uber-rewrite on the as-yet-untitled edible fruit/creeping vine/manufacturing sector sci-fi flick.

I have done good things. Not sure if I've done enough good things to make Charlie happy, let alone My Manager, who has agreed to read it when the sun finally dies out later this year.

It's tricky, because we've crafted a script that, truth be told, will kick ass on Sci-Fi Channel's Sci-Fi Saturday "The Most Dangerous Night on Television" but which probably would be found a little thin at the multiplex. Not that having a thin production has ever stopped some of the run-of-the-mill horror flicks that come and go unnoticed every month. (The Covenant, anyone?) But since Charlie and I are, well, nobody, we need to have something beyond the pale to get anyone's attention.

Will this get anyone's attention? Mayhaps. but first, I've got to get it past Charlie. Then we've got to get it past My Manager. That's easier said than done.

Still, it feels good to hand it off. There are some seriously cool stuff in the script. Images, sequences, and scenes that rock. It makes me happy to read it, and that's a good thing, right?

No it's on to the next great thing. I have a couple of projects for My Manager that I need to dive into. So I'll probably flip a coin, ignore the results, and work on whichever I feel like.

Rock on.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Hey! This doesn't suck!

So I've been doing my job for my half of this partnership and rewriting everything that Charlie wrote on our Monk/Sacred Couch/Blizzard/Tarzan remake. And you know what?

I like this script.

I mean it's silly. It's slightly implausible. It reeks of Charlie. But still, I like it.

So I'm rewriting like mad. And I like it even more. Not rewriting his stuff, at least not always, just... fixing scenes that never worked for me. Adding some things to fill out some ideas. Making the characters just a teensy bit more worthy and lovable and real.

And I still like it.

Granted, not as much as I like our comedy. Not quite as much as I like Siege. But this isn't a bad script. Not a bad story. It has some great bits in it, it keeps moving, it rocks, it rolls, it sways like a lover.

So I should finish my excellent rewriting this week, then send it back to Charlie, then, get this, send it to My Manager.My Manager's actually agreed to look at it. Of course, what we'll get back is a "You're kidding right? Trust me, drop this and work on the projects I tell you to work on. There's a good writer monkey."

But that counts as feedback, right?


Thursday, August 16, 2007

Screw It... Why Not...

So a couple of weeks ago I did something I never thought I'd do.

I've always poo-poo'ed the idea.  It seemed too populist.  Too... for the masses.  I mean, if there was any value to it, it wouldn't be open to ever a-hole with a copy of Final Draft, right?

What'd I do, you ask?

What'd I do, Dave, no doubt, is asking?

Well... I entered our raunchy comedy, Murphy's Law, into a screenwriting competition.

Like I said - normally I'm not a fan.   When was the last time you heard about a huge, box-office hit, with record-breaking grosses and star-making performances that came from a screenwriting competition?

Never.  Right.  Hell, not even Matt Damon and Ben Affleck could churn out a decent flick with Project Greenlight.

Still... I really like this dirty little comedy.  It's funny, and it's earned a place in my heart, and... well... right now it's dead in the water.  Dave's agent's cousin's valet's pimp has said he/she will give it a read, but beyond that, it's basically a doorstop.  My film industry buddy read it and thought it was really funny, but wasn't sure he got what genre it is (have we harped enough yet on how befuddling this comment is?), so I'm not counting on him.  That means either we hustle, or we add it to the stack of clunkers that were fun to write but never see celluloid.

And I'm not ready to let that happen yet.  So I'm beating the bushes.  Talking to people about it.  Showing it to anyone that'll read it.  And, yes... I've crossed that line and submitted it to a decent-sized competition, that judges both overall as well as genre features.

Here's hoping that there's a "Raunchy Teen Comedy With Natalie Portman Jokes and Gratuitous Use Of The Word 'C*ck'" genre.

- Charlie

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Friday, August 10, 2007

Where It's At

Time for a big round-robin update on the writing stylings of Charlie and Dave, Partners in Fear.

We have this big comedy. It's funny. Honestly, people read it and tell us that it's damn funny. This makes us feel good. Giddy, even. So we gave the comedy to a guy Charlie knows who has worked in big-time comedy. His response?

"This is really funny. I don't know what genre it is, but it's very funny."

Uhm.... what genre? It's funny and you don't know the genre? How about... oh I don't know.... comedy?

But anyway. We're figuring that ship won't be sailing our way in the near future, so we've thought about what to do with this very funny script.

"But David!" you say, "You have a Manager and an Agent! Give it to them!"

Well, yeah. Except that My Manager loves me for my sci-fi/horror/fantasy. My Manager has other comedy clients, and Managers in general aren't keen to mix and match. But I finally sucked up my gut and asked My Manager if they would look at the script. The response?

"Sure. Send it over."

So OK, there's that. Sent it over, we'll probably hear something in about two weeks. Because everything takes two weeks in Hollywood. Part of the Space/Time Continuum thing.

(Side Note: How cool is the word "continuum?" It has two u's next to each other. Two u's!)

In the meantime, we're still waiting for Siege to bust out. We've been waiting (just so you know) for this particular project to bust out since December of 2005. That's becoming a long time ago. And yet, to quote Phil Collins (which I don't think people do often enough) We Wait and We Wonder.

In fact, I think I might have named another post with that very quote. Huh.

In other news, after months of banging on Charlie's Electronic door begging for an update on our Masonic/Fast Food/Frog-in-Blender/Jungle epic, it's my turn. I'm sitting on it. I should be working on it, but I am instead working on projects for My Manager that have nothing to do with Charlie.

I'm like that.

But it's near the top of the queue, so Charlie will just have to bear with me and shut the Hell up.

Beyond that, business as normal.

See.. if it's funny, it's probably a comedy. That's my thought.


Monday, August 06, 2007

An Important Message

I realize the stated mission of this blog is to talk about our writing endeavors, which most commonly manifests itself in the form of us bitching about how Siege will never get made.

Every once in awhile, though, I feel like we need to diverge from the writing world and focus on bigger issues.

For nearly 7 years, the United States of America has been governed by an admistration rife with ineptitude, croneyism, mismanagement, and secrecy. We've been led into a poorly planned and executed war, justified by mistruths and misrepresentations. With elections just over a year away, I think its critical that I turn my attention from the frivolity of entertainment and focus, with you indulgence, on a subject matter that really means something to the future. OUR future. I refer, of course, to Crocs.

Yes. Crocs.

Those craptacularly ugly plastic clogs that look like something my cat would poop out if he accidentally ate an industrial sized vat of neon orange rubber cement.

When did these things become so ubiquitous? I was out this weekend, and I swear, everywhere I turned people were wearing this unholy footwear. Men. Women. Children. Babies. Everyone was wearing them. How did we become a nation of Croc-wearers?

I mean, first off, they don't really look good on ANYONE. Men just look effeminate in them, mincing around in their naff frog-green rubber shoes. Women look manly in them, as they're big and clunky and look like something a burly Dutch beer-frau would wear while serving drinks in a crowded tent. Little boys look... well... not very BOY-like in them. That leaves little girls. The only acceptable market for Crocs, in my book, is little girls.

But you're all wearing them. And with socks, no less! What's that about? Looking like German tourists, lumbering around with black calf-high socks and a pair of pink rubber shoes underneath?

I'm told they're very popular with people in certain professions, because of their comfort. Nurses and doctors apparently love them. Sure... I can see that. Let's wear a shoe that's full of holes and open in the back as we walk around a germ-infested hospital, working with body fluids and blood and sharp instruments like scalpels and syringes and stuff. Stellar idea, Croc-wearing medical professionals.

Cooks, I'm told, also love them, thanks to that a-hole Mario Battali. Again, I can't begin to express how excited I am to know that the person preparing my $50 filet is clomping around my food all-but-barefoot, sweating away under a pair of PVC pumps. God forbid you drop a knife, because it'll GO RIGHT THROUGH THE HOLES into your sweaty foot.

And while I'm at it, what's the deal with Mario Battali? When did a 300 pound, red-headed, pasty-faced guy become Italian? I don't give a crap what his name is, that guy's as Irish as they come.

Where was I?? Oh yeah. America - can we please get past this fad and go back to wearing normal shoes? If I have to spend one more weekend looking at you in your horrid powder-blue galvanized Crocs, looking like a demented cross between the Little Dutch Boy and Corky from "Life Goes On," I may saw off my feet in protest.

Oh yeah... and vote Obama.

- Charlie

Blogged with Flock

Friday, August 03, 2007

Better Than Sex (With or Without Lindsay Lohan)

One of the great feelings in the world is finishing up a writing assignment when you have a writing partner.  I vaguely remember what sex feels like, and it's at least that good. 

The  rush of accomplishment.  The buzz of completion.  The high of being able to send it out.

And, unlike sex, I can relish the joy of it for at least a day or so before my partner weighs in with disappointment. 

Dave'll get my emailed copy of the un-named Donkey-punching/weigh-loss-drama/Sirk-melodrama/soccer-playing-dog screenplay... he'll be excited to know I've completed it.  He'll read it.  THEN he'll feel some pangs of dissapointment.  Then he'll drop me a congratulatory email with some words of encouragement ("Don't worry... it happens to all writers every now and then... you were probably just nervous or drunk...").  Then he'll do his obligatory rewrites of my rewrites.  And then we'll be done.

Yes.  Light on the horizon for this pass at this script!!  I mean... how long have we all watched me post about finishing this f*cker now?  MONTHS!  And its done!  Done, I tell you!!

I'm gonna go have a smoke.

-  Charlie

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Wednesday, August 01, 2007

I'm having great sex with Lindsay Lohan in rehab.

It's just tawdry, the kind of no-holds-barred pumping action we got going on between us, me and Lindsay Lohan. She's an animal, with a thirst for serious action, the raunchier the better. When she gets going, nice and raw, it's like a primal force has been unleashed on my Manly Member.

I'll try to get some pics next time, she's always talking about wanting to go all "Paris Sex Tape" on me.



OK, no. I'm not having sex with Lindsay Lohan. For all I know, the very nice, ordinary girl is still a virgin, waiting for marriage.

And I'm not in rehab. Though I am trying to give up sodas for a while. Too much caffeine. That's a kind of rehab, right?

See, the thing is, this blog is all about Charlie and me and our writing. And right now, we're waiting. Waiting for Producer Dude, waiting to hear from Charlie's contact, waiting for Charlie to finish his damn revisions on the covert/overt/omelet/jungle pic.

Today, Producer Dude, flushed with non-movement, has asked us to send him the synopsis of Siege for the seventeen billionth time. So we're digging it out once again, dusting it off, yet again, and feeling really bad that we have nothing exciting to report on our blog.

So I thought that, maybe, you know, a story about me and Lindsay Lohan having nasty monkey-sex while in rehab would be something you guys would maybe want to read about. Give you a thrill. Just close your eyes, and picture me, with a big pile of naked Lindsay Lohan on to of me, gyrating, grooving, thumping, the best body parts wiggling and jiggling all up in my face.

And we thought maybe we'd pull in some random page views from folks surfing for "sex with Lindsay Lohan" on Google.

If that's you, welcome to our blog!

If we keep going nowhere, I'll have Charlie write up one of his Natalie Portman fantasies, those are usually good for a laugh.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Forward Progress... Right Into That Big Sticky Bog

So I sent a rabid email to Producer Dude.

"Hey! What's going on? Where's our contracts? What's your problem? Who do I have to sleep with to get this movie made? Is she cute?"

To which Producer Dude eventually replied, via IM.

"David. You there?"

"Producer Dude! Hi!"

"I got your email. We've had some changes in the company. We're switching distributors because we got much better offers. They want Siege. So it's happening. I need about a week, maybe a month, to finalize everything, get the contracts out. You're the best."

"So, what, like a month? Money in a month?"

"You're the best."

"Any more news on those big names that have signed letters of intent to be in our film?"

"You're the best."

"Am I better than Charlie?"


So there you go. When Producer Dude ever makes Siege (I said WHEN, not IF) it will be through a new distributor. Which means... uhm... to us... uhm...


But at least Producer Dude is returning my emails. More or less.

Onward, Christian Soldier!!!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Dave's My Rock...

I've been having one of those weeks.

You know the kind I'm talking about - the type of week where everything at work goes wrong - you get screwed out of a promotion, or raise, or trip to China or something, and your boss decides you're a jerkoff...

Everything at home goes wrong - your kid turns colicky at 3 1/2, the lawnguy accidentally trashes half your yard, and your wife decides you're a jerkoff...

Everything in your personal life goes wrong - your friends don't want to hang, your relationships turn sour, and your best friend decides you're a jerkoff...

But my writing partner. Thank God for my writing partner. He was there for me the whole time...

"Hey Charlie, how are you, buddy?"

"Oh, man, Dave... could I use a friend. I'm sleeping on the guest bed, my car got a flat, and I don't have any friends here in Atlanta."

"Huh. Listen... how're your rewrites on the untitled alien-invasion/victorian-drama/existential-comedy/Porky's-remake coming along?"

"What? My life's a shambles, dude."

"Yeah... I know... shame and all that. A little behind then, eh? So you think... what... maybe end of week?"

"I hate my life."

"Friday, then?"

"Where can I get lots and lots of sleeping pills?"

"Okay. Let's make it Saturday."

So thanks to the love and support of my dear pal Dave, I've been making time here and there for edits. A page here. A couple of paragraphs there. I'm not tearing through it, exactly, but I'm making progress.

If nothing else, I'll get it done before I have my stroke or nervous breakdown or heart attack. I wouldn't leave Dave hanging...

Mainly because I don't want him to decide that I'm a jerkoff.

- Charlie

Thursday, July 19, 2007

We Got Nothing!

Wooo!! Celebrate! Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care! We got nothing!

Charlie and I received an email from Producer Dude. It was short and sweet and said, more or less, "Guys. Sorry it's taken so long. It's gonna take longer. Love, Producer Dude."

A big fat nothing.

But to his credit, it was an email. An acknowledgement that it has, in fact, been a ridiculously long time since we thought we were, like, days away from millions. Or at least thousands.


So where does that leave us? Nowhere. Nowhere new, at least. It does, however, let us know that Producer Dude's feeling guilty. Maybe we can parlay that into another grand or something, I dunno.

"Soooo.. Producer Dude. Still waiting on that contract from you."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. Things have really drawn out. Not my fault."

"We know you mean well. Your heart is in the right place."

"You know it is, guys. If there were anything I could do..."

"Well... I mean the contract isn't finalized yet. Maybe we get an extra grand? Each?"

"No. can't do that. How about I rent each of you a fluffer for an hour?"

"... ... ok."

So maybe my negotiating skills need some work.

But in the meantime.. we got nothing!

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Movin', Groovin', Stirrin' Up Trouble

So, like, Charlie is doing his thang on our multi-hyphenated project. We've each had ideas for scripts and projects on our own. We've each done zip on them.

It's time for the DAVID/charlie team to get cracking.

Since we have an open door at the unnamed company that took a gander at Siege before we gave it back to Producer Dude, we're looking for something in a similar vein. We have lots of ideas. Some old. Some new. Some borrowed. Some blue.

So we're kicking the tires and seeing if any deflate into a fantastic pitch or two.

Stranger things have happened.

It's actually a lot of fun to go back and look at some of our ideas. One of them we'd actually done some outline work on, and it's not half bad. There's another one that isn't much more than a paragraph right now, but I like it quite a bit.

So that's where we are. Passing emails back and forth. IMing each other night and day. Letting the creative juices flow.

Flow, damn you! Flow!

Wish us luck.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Digging Up The Dead

Nearly 10 years ago I was stewing over an story idea about a guy coming to terms with his impending 30th birthday. It was, effectively, a dark, comedic look at the point where you realize you have to stop being a 20-something knucklehead, and own to up the adult life that you're actually living.

Over drinks one night I discussed the pitch with a good buddy who loved the idea. He eventually became my writing partner and we wrote the screenplay, as well as a bunch of other stuff.

Unfortunately, I think the final result was a mediocre script that was totally watered down from the original concept. It ended up being a series of sitcom-esque moments with sitcom-esque characters and the whole thing was weak.

We finished it, showed it to a few people, got lukewarm response, and it went to the shelf where it sat... moldy.

The thing is, I've always been in love with the basic concept of the story. A guy, coming to terms with where he's at in life. It's a theme we all deal with every day and, I think, the protagonist in this story does it rather uniquely.

And... well... I'm now staring down the barrel of a gun at 40. And this character keeps coming back to me... now older... now in a different life than originally imagined... but there he is. Facing 40. Dreading his mid-life. Wondering what comes next. Evaluating his existence and wondering where he goes next.

I want to write this screenplay again, from the ground up. I want to tell this guy's story. My story. Hell - the story of pretty much any guy in his late 30's wondering what happens next.

But here's the catch. I originally had the story concept - which is really all I want at this point. But then I went off and wrote it with another person. Which means, in effect, he owns 1/2 of the story.

Mind you, I want to completely retell it. But... he still owns 1/2 of the current story.

So I've gone back to my old writing partner to see if he'll relinquish the rights to it, so that I can once again try to tell it. I wasn't sure what he'd say but, literally, halfway through writing this post the phone rang.

He totally got where I want to take the story. He, too, is in his late 30's, and gets how easily the story can be updated to a perspective we both understand so clearly. And he was a true friend and a great business partner in telling me that I can define how I want ownership of the property to go.

So... Dave and I have several irons in the fire. I've committed to finishing my latest revisions to the unnamed Broadway-musical/Margaret Atwood adaptation/alien-invasion/gay porn screenplay by the end of this week. We'll then put a wrapper on it and send it out to get feedback on.

Next we plan to pitch one another one script ideas for the mysterious "production company you've heard of" that had Siege awhile back. We're hoping to go back in with some pitches and see if anything piques their curiosity.

And then, last but not least, I'm sh*tcanning the crap "new idea" I had in favor of this updated "old idea" from 10 years ago, with the hopes of it being the opus I always dreamed it would be. I'll keep you posted on how that goes, since I originally dreamt it up before the Tried And True BMovieWriters Rules were in place. It may be tough sandwiching in a lesbian sex scene and a role for Natalie Portman, but I'm up for the challenge.

- Charlie

Friday, July 06, 2007

What the heck..?

So I mentioned awhile back that I've started work on a new screenplay, sans Dave. Things were going ok... I was plugging along, working hard on it. I think it was shaping up nicely...

And then. Splat. It just seems to have run out of steam.

I'm not sure what the deal is, frankly. I thought I was on the right path, but sometimes your writing gets ahead of your thinking. To wit - I know the characters. Who I want them to be, where I want them to go, what I want them to experience. And I know the general plot - what I want to happen and how I want it to end. Happy endings all around, right?

But... well... after getting a 2nd opinion and re-reading it myself, it appears to be a mess. The character's are actually not well defined at all. The plot's all over the place. And the supporting cast is sloppy.

I'm not tossing it. Au contraire... I'm stepping up my game and intend to work extra hard to bring it together. But for now, the whole thing's just... confusing and weird.

On this script I kind of jumped out of the plane without a chute. Or a clear landing spot. Now I need to regroup and get back to the plot.

- Charlie

P.S. No, we haven't heard from Producer Dude. Shocker, huh?

Friday, June 29, 2007

Pimping Myself

This has nothing to do with my writing, or Charlie's writing, or Siege, or anything.

I write about things besides my film career, but they aren't posted here. So if, for some reason, you ever have a desire to read more of my work, you can check me out over at:

The site is called This Is By Us. Writers just writing whatever they want. Anyone can do it. So go ahead and check out the link, it leads to my latest posts. If you like what you read, you can "vote" for it, which is good for me. And I know everyone wants to do things that are good for me.

The only thing I don't write about over there is my writing career, because I write about that here. Not into cross-pollination.

So go! Read! Vote! Worship me!

Or something like that.

Now back to your regularly scheduled film blog.

PS: Nothing from Producer Dude.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Fits and Starts

So, remember oh-so-long-ago when I told you all how I was being considered for a total big-name remake? Wasn't that exciting? News like that comes around and it gets you all jazzed, and you can't wait to tell everyone in your world, or at least, on your blog.

Since then? Nothing.

It's enough to give a guy an ulcer. Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait.

"David, get that rewrite of the TV project in tomorrow because I'm meeting with a guy who knows a guy who is looking for a project and owes me a favor."

"Uhm.. OK My Manager."

**three weeks pass**

"Hey, My Manager. Any word on that TV project thing that I rushed out to you three weeks ago?"

"Has it only been three weeks? Man, you need to chill out."

"Did you at least see the guy who knew the guy?"

"David, David, David. So young, so naive."

"Am I pretty?"

"Shut up and write."

My only real experience, not counting Producer Dude- who runs on Island Time as long as it's the Island from Lost, was with the Big Company that looked at Siege. They took a long time. Turns out EVERYBODY takes a long time.

It's like Hollywood is stuck in a time bubble where events churn along at a snail's pace. They've done studies and discovered that time moves at approximately 37% the speed it does anywhere else on Earth. Something about all that sun.

So we wait and we wonder.


Producer Dude is on the ball. In fact, he forwarded us an email from his people that said they'd have the contracts back to him (and hence back to us) by the end of this week.

Place your bets! Place your bets!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls (of Spiders)

Sometime back I blogged about a fictional exchange between Dave and I in which he commented on an idea I'd written about. In it, the discussion went something like this:

Well, what did you think about what I wrote???

It was okay. Kinda verbose. And the waterfall of spiders thing... I'm not really feeling it. And the characters suddenly got all flippant and light on us. The tone's wierd. But I like the rest. You know... the line where the character asks what direction they're heading. That works. Let's tweak the rest, though. I'm not sweating it.

The humorously fictional exchange was based on a REAL one, related to our un-named May-December Romance/Bollywood Musical/American-Beauty Remake, that went something like this (months ago, as I agonized over the now infamous waterfall scene):

Well, what did you think about what I wrote???

It was okay. Kinda verbose. And the waterfall of spiders thing... I'm not really feeling it. And the characters suddenly got all flippant and light on us. The tone's wierd. But I like the rest. You know... the line where the character asks what direction they're heading. That works. Let's tweak the rest, though. I'm not sweating it.

So last week I tossed the latest iteration of the waterfall scene to Dave. I hadn't quite finished it yet, but after swapping out a tentacle monster for underwater zombies for killer whirpools, I finally stumbled on something basic that I thought would work. Dave read the 2/3 of a scene I'd written and liked it, but I was taking too long so he took it back to finish up.

Cut to 24 hours later. I'm in a meeting at work and my cell rings. Its Dave. I assume that him calling can only mean that Verbinski has agreed to do SIEGE. I duck out of the meeting and answer.


Bugs! Bugs, dude.


The waterfall scene. What if it were bugs. Like... not monster sized bugs or anything... just you know... scary bugs.

Like...oh... spiders?

EXACTLY! Killer idea, huh?

Yeah... listen... you may remember awhile back I did a draft of this with spi...

Right. Bugs! I'm glad you like it. Love ya, babe.


So bugs it is. Killer idea, Dave.


Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Little Script That Could

Not to make this blog all about me, me, me, but...

Let's talk about me.

Actually, first, let's chat about Charlie and Me. I have some time on my hands, and told Charlie to send me what he had on our untitled tree-hugger/boa constrictor/window pane romance and I'd dive in with gusto. Since he was taking longer to get any writing done than Natalie Portman answering his creepy fan mail, I figured it would be good to get a fresh set of eyes.

So he sent me half a scene, about 5 or 6 pages.

Granted, he had an unenviable task. We had this big action sequence in the story that didn't really go with the rest of the movie, so it was decided to switch it out with something new. And we had no idea what that would be. So he tried. And truth told, his idea isn't bad. Still not sure it works. But I certainly haven't come up with anything better. So there ya go. I'll probably tinker a bit, see if I can get his idea to work. If I can't, then I may go back to the drawing board. See if I can come up with something, then see if it floats Charlie's boat. And then back again. See, we've been doing this dance for a while, and we're having a heck of a time of it.

So that's Charlie and Me.

Now me.

So, like, remember when I told y'all about my little horror script that got me some meetings last year? Right, that one. And how it's got some life again? Right, that one.

More life.

I guess My Manager, not having anything new of mine to work with, has decided to send the same script out, one year later.

So last night My Manager tells me that a company that you haven't heard of, which was started by a producer who did a movie that you have heard of, has taken a liking to the script. And now they are considering me to work on one of two projects they have in development. One project is an as-yet unknown horror project that may or may not be based on a Japanese horror film. The other project is a remake of a very big film that you've heard of.

We'll know more in a couple of weeks. Could be nothing. Could be something. Could be something really big. But this little script of mine is once again opening doors. Now if only one of those doors would lead to some cash cash.

Rock on!

Oh, and nothing new from Producer Dude.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I'm Frothy

Sometimes we blog because we have exciting news to share with you, our reader.

Sometimes we blog because we had deep thoughts to share with you, our reader.

Sometimes we just blog.

This is one of those times.

We are waiting, per usual, on all the different people to get back to us. Charlie claims to have written a few pages on our operatic/jungle/fresh fruit romance. I'll believe it when I see it. I have gone over my draft of my TV pilot for the umpteenth time and sent it on to My Manager. To wait.

So actually, I need something to do. Now don't get me wrong, I have a number of things I SHOULD be doing. I'm supposed to be going over my book treatment with a fine-toothed comb. But I'm just not in the frame of mind for that. I could try to work on the hot new idea I hinted at a few blog posts ago, but right now I'm not burnin' with the fever, if you get my drift.

Right now, I want to sit on my ass and watch TV. I'm TiVoing Star Trek: Enterprise reruns on Sci-Fi and HDNet, since I never watched the show when it aired. I'm tired. My daughter is out of school, so I don't get any break even when my son naps. I could write in the evening, after they're all asleep. But instead, I want to watch Star Trek.

I'll get through this little bump in the road. Producer Dude will get his act together, or one of the many people I'm waiting for will get back to me with news, or My Manager will get back to me on the TV pilot. Or something. And I'll get jazzed to write.

But for now, set phasers on stun and turn off the TV if I've fallen asleep on the couch.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Beauty of Youth

If you've read even a single post over the last month or so, you know that I'm woefully overdue in my pass at some rewrites on the untitled German-porn/workplace-comedy/outback-western. Woefully.

And I swear by all that's holy, this weekend I've blocked off half a day of time to get over this hump and do my part.

But in the meantime, I find myself distracted. You see, I've started work on something new. All by myself, no Dave. Yeah. A new screenplay.

The allure of a new script. Its young, and fresh, and full of promise. A metaphorical stack of 100+ pages of virginal-white paper, just waiting to absorb new ideas.

When I'm writing something new... putting an idea to paper for the first time... its like breathing cleaner air. The sun is brighter. Children play in meadows. Puppies lick your face.

You've got a whole world you can explore together with your new story. No boundaries. No conventions. No limitations. It can be anything.

Whereas the untitled roller-disco/puppet-show/Roaring-20's-musical is a harsh mistress. I know it. It knows me. I want tentacle monsters, it wants something else. Who knows what, but God-help-me, I'll find out.

We've come a long way, together with Dave. But now they both give me dirty looks when they think I'm not looking. Rolling their eyes and "tsk tsk"ing. Judging me.

So Saturday its ON. Tentacle scene? As good as gone, and in its place, something new. Bold. Dramatic. Ah. who am I kidding. At this point I'm just looking to find something Dave thinks will be a passable replacement in his agent's assistant's lawnboy's eyes. But Saturday I'll be finding it.

But don't judge me when, come Monday, I'm staring, moon-eyed, at the new screenplay...

Wondering how long until I f*ck it up.

- Charlie

Sometimes you bomb...

As I've waxed neurotically before, once your screenplay is in the hands of the production, your job is essentially done. There might be rewrites or revisions along the way, but by that point there's little influence a writer can have on the final product.

Hopefully you get lucky, but sometimes you bomb.

Way back in 2005 I posted about a comedy video that Dave did for Brunching Shuttlecocks starring yours truly as a bumbling adventurer. When it premiered on Brunching several years ago, it was well received and got lots of laughs.

So earlier this week I shared it with a friend from work.

Who was genuinely, deeply, profoundly... appalled.

Now, as a performer, that's exactly the response you're looking to get. Revulsion.

So what's the point here? Sometimes a joke tanks. Or a scene. Or an entire screenplay.

Or sometimes what plays well for one audience doesn't work for another. The gag about cats being scared by a vacuum may be high comedy to an old 40-something codger, but play like a lead balloon to a 22 year old just out of college, where they don't know what vacuums are, and cat humor usually involves forced-feline jaegerbombs.

Really, though, all you can do is make it and put it out there. Hope for giggling, not gagging. Cheers not chunks. Be moved, but not have a movement.

Guess we'll see how it shakes out for Siege. Until then, I'm crossing my fingers. And not showing any more videos to people from work.

- Charlie

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Spark of Life Proves Hollywood Harmony

I have a new belief. A new mantra. Though I don't say it aloud all the time, just when my 18 month old is around, since he isn't gonna tell me I'm being strange.

All will be well. Relax. Breathe deeply. He wanted her. She'd never tell. Secretly she wanted him as well.

Damn, sorry, started to channel Avril Lavigne.

See, a long time ago in when life held promise and joy.. like 9 or 10 months ago... I had a script. It was a good script. It got sent around town. (Hollywood, not, say, Boise) I had meetings. Life was good.

But no one wanted to make the script. So no biggie. My Manager and I moved on to the next project, and all was well. Though I still shed a tear every now and then for the script that was my first love.

So naturally, out of the blue, there's life in them thar script again.

A guy at a company read it, liked it, we talked about how he wants to change it, I said no problem (if you're gonna make the movie, I'll even take out the lesbians).

(Not that there are lesbians in the movie. Not yet, at least.)

And now this guy is gonna take it up the ladder to his boss. And if his boss lies it, there are no other bosses to impress. It's a 2-gate system. And I'm through the first gate with flying colors.

Of course, the budget range of this new company is.. well.. actually.. kinda.. similar to Producer Dude. But since the contact is through My Manager, I'll get a ton more money for it. They may even pay me in American money, which would be a first. (You know how hard it is to find someone who'll exchange Tibetan currency?)

And what did I do to get the heat burning on this script? Nothing. Nothing at all. My manager told me she still sends it around every now and then, you know, for shits and giggles. And got a bite.

Just like that.

See, the more sticks in the fire, the more chances of a bite. So I started counting my sticks.

Siege. That's a good stick. Contract talk, movement, what have you. A good stick.

Raunchy Sex Comedy script in the hands of former exec. Another stick. Not as exciting a stick as when former exec was, in fact, exec. But he still knows people, still wants to make movies, and still has our script. It's a stick.

Original horror script with new life. A stick. Can't call it anything else.

TV project. Another stick. Though it has cooled over time for reasons which I won't go into at the moment. But it's still a strong stick. And My Manager is going to move Heaven and Hell to cash that stick in. Which is a good thing.

Another old script of mine that Producer Dude owns. Haven't talked about this one in a long time. But since Producer Dude is in a chatty mood, I asked him about it. He said "I was going to tell you. I may get some money and get the rights to this away from the Development Hell it's currently stuck in. I'll know more in a few weeks.

So that's five sticks. All five burning with people besides me. I mean in the hands of folks who could, might, maybe, do something about them. I have 5 sticks burning. One of them has to catch fire, right?

So I'm just gonna do what I do and not worry about it. You can't hurry Hollywood. You can only keep jabbing it with sticks until you poke someone in the eye and score.

So for now I'm just a Sk8er Boi.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Hollywood's A Bitch

So for weeks now we've been teasing a BIG TIME INTERVIEW with a BIG TIME HOLLYWOOD MOGUL.

We did the interview. Dave transcribed it. We sent it off to said mogul for his approval. And then... nada.

So here's the punchline:

Hollywood is a cruel, heartless mistress. She changes her mind with the wind. One day she loves you, and the next you're toast. One day you're making out passionately on a side street in a cramped Volkswagen karman-ghia, professing undying love, and the next day she looks at you like doody.

In this case, we're doody. Our BIG TIME HOLLYWOOD MOGUL is no longer with the BIG TIME COMEDY BRAND he was running. He left. No longer there. Ended the relationship.

Now... he and I are friends, so he'll still return my calls, but guess what that means for the interview?

That's right, my friends. Toast. Sorry about all that freakin' transcribing Dave...

Anyhow. BIG TIME HOLLYWOOD MOGUL is now off working as a BIG TIME HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, so we may still get an interview, but everything we did is pretty much craptastic, since it was focused on his role as the head of this comedy brand... the one he's no longer running.

Its a shame, really. The interview had all the usual B Movie Writers hallmarks - lesbian jokes, boob jokes, references to Natalie Portman, and even a few new nuggets like some Virginia Tech gags. For the record, no one laughed at those.

Anyhow, that officially makes this a post about nothing. However, I felt like we should explain why this wonderful interview that we keep teasing hasn't shown up. And, well, now it never will.

Thanks, Hollywood. Thanks for nothin', that is.

- Charlie

P.S. And he STILL hasn't read the raunchy comedy. This, despite the fact that he's unemployed! Rat bastard...

Monday, May 28, 2007

Dave Is Such A Tease...

As Dave mentioned, he actually made contact with the elusive Producer Dude a week or so ago.

What he failed to mention was the highly exciting tease that Producer Dude left us hanging with.

So they banged out new contract terms, finally, for Siege. If all goes well, it should be in some state of production, or pre-production, or neo-natal production, this Summer. I'll believe it when I see it, but hey... I'm becoming jaded.

Dave then asked Producer Dude if there was any further word on the NAME ACTORS who've signed letters of interest to work on the film. Producer Dude noted that the two guys who've committed so far are still on board, and he's working on a 3rd "name actor" that you guys would all know.

But... the big tease was that #1 name actor (twice Oscar Nominated, according to IMDB) has "expressed interest" in DIRECTING Siege. Now... I don't normally think of this guy as a Director, but he's actually a very good one. Like... won a DGA award for one of the key flicks everyone knows him from (which I never realized he directed).

Mind you, "expressed interest" in directing Siege could well have gone something like this:

NAME ACTOR/DIRECTOR: "Wow, this screenplay is really horrible. The dialogue is trite, the action mundane, and the exposition non-existent. A shetland pony could direct this. That Corky kid from Life Goes On could direct this. Hell, I could drink a 5th of jack, snort a kilo of coke, pop 5 percoset, and mainline Windex and still manage to direct this dung-heap."

PRODUCER DUDE: "You'd direct this?!"

Anyhow... we'll see what happens next.

In the meantime, I continue to drag ass on my share of rewrites. Luckily, Dave's busy enough with other stuff to not have gotten too annoyed.

And lastly, don't expect anymore deep psychological insight from me in the future. Turns out colleagues at work have been reading this blog and I'm now being harassed about my obsession with Natalie Portman, rabbit poop, and my impending midlife crisis.

Going forward I'll be focusing exclusively on shallow banality.

For the record, tho, there will be no reduction in Natalie Portman references. Dave strictly forbade it.

- Charlie

Thursday, May 24, 2007

One Small Step for Siege...

OK, so check it out.

Finally, after months, weeks, years, decades, whatever, of trying to connect with Producer Dude, I had A CALL.

See, he's been out of the country making another film. He's in post, ready to get going on the next big thing (Siege).

So we hammered out contract details. He had given me an old contract, I had sent it to My Manager for an unofficial "Hey, can you look at this and tell me if your client is gonna sign away his life if he signs this?" look. My Manager made notes. Unofficially.

I sent notes to Producer Dude. Producer Dude sent notes to Producer Dude's Contract Dude(ette) (I don't know if it's a male or female Contract-person.) They came back with comments on My Manager's notes.

And we waited for about two or three months to connect and hammer out the final details.

They are hammered.

We've agreed on everything. he's sent the agreement to Producer Dude's Contract Dude(ette).

We're on a roll.

So what does this mean?

It means that we're probably two or three weeks away from having an officially signed contract, and getting the $17.49 option payment.

Then we wait.

Oh, and while hammering the contract out, I was totally able to screw Charlie over and get most of the money. I rock.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Birth of a Crazy Idea

People always ask me, "Where do you get your ideas?"

Well OK, no. No one ever asks me. Because no one cares. I'm all alone in this world. Insignificant. Pointless. Oh, what's the use? I give up.

But anyway.

When the imaginary people in my mind ask me about my wellspring of inspiration, I usually say something along the lines of:

"In my head."

While the truth is often a jumbled combination of "I saw something on TV and thought I could do something similar and better." and "Someone told me a story that I thought was a piece of something I could turn into a story." or "I just killed a man and stole his secret journal... should be good for another two or three scripts right there." there is also some truth to my pat answer.

Take the circus clown/submarine/bikini hi-jinx script that Charlie and I are working on. It literaly began in my head. I saw, late one night while lying in bed, what would turn out to be the first 20 pages of the script. The set-up. (I'm good at set-ups. Who isn't?) So I woke up, wrote it down, and sent it Charlie to see what he thought.

It's often how I work.

Well lightning has struck again. Literally, we had thunder storms yesterday.

And I had an idea.

Similar in some ways to some other stuff out there. Definitely different in other ways. Unique yet recognisable. Fun. Big budget. Blockbuster. Tailor-made for sequels.

So I wrote down the first 6 pages, which actually covers a lot of information. Now I'm stepping back and hashing out the entire plot before moving forward.

And it's coming along really quickly. I'm kinda jazzed.

Is this the next David/Charlie epic? Is this just the next David epic? Dunno, but right now, I'm leaning towards wanting to tell the whole story myself. But I just wanted to share with both of you the crazy blast of inspiration that jolted my noggin yesterday when I should have been concentrating on driving the car.

Oh, and Producer Dude says we'll get on the contract next week. Yada yada. And we should have the Interview with the Big, Well-Connected Guy later this week- though quite a bit of the circumstances around this interview have suddenly changed. Love Hollywood. And My Manager just emailed me to let me know I won't be hearing from them until next week.

So there's your status update.

Rock on!

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Bemused or Bewitched?

As long as there have been artists, there have been "muses" inspiring them.

From Viola De Lesseps, who supposedly drove Shakespeare's creative vision and inspired "A MidSummer Night's Dream" to Beethoven's famed "Immortal Beloved," Amalie Sebald, women of beauty and grace have been the real-life impetus behind some of history's most renowned works.

And so it was that I was talking yesterday with a writer-buddy of mine who's back in LA. He's been seeing a girl for the last few months, and was telling me how she keeps finding her way into his work.

"Perfect Eyes. Its the name of the screenplay I'm working on right now. Its inspired by her flawless blue eyes. They couldn't be more perfect if they were created in a Teutonic laboratory."

I was intrigued. "So what's it about?" I asked.

"Yeah... I'm still working that out. But the main character is named after Sarah, and, of course, she has those same incredible eyes."

As he said this, I remembered that the last two screenplays I read from him both had major characters named Sarah. A mystery-thriller, and a horror flick.

I didn't have the heart to say it, but couldn't help thinking... "Dude... Sarah's not so much your muse, as she is a distraction." When you're writing a screenplay around her eyes - but that's all you know about it... well... something's not quite right.

Don't get me wrong. From everything I know about this gal, she's amazing. She's perfect for my buddy. They belong together.

But... you know. Not in his writing. At some point, personal and professional get mixed and it turns out all funky.

To be clear... there's nothing wrong with inserting real life inspiration into your writing. Heck, that's what makes it interesting. I've used many scenes that were inspired by something I really did, or saw, or heard about. And many of the characters in Siege, and the Raunchy Teen Comedy, and the unnamed Lesbian-Vampire/Charles-Bronson-Revenge/Albino-Bat-Creature script are named after friends and family. Some of you readers will be happy to see your namesakes as henchmen in Siege, if it ever makes it into production.

And going back to our original example... if William Shakespeare had never been jilted by Viola, herself forced to the New World in a loveless marriage, we'd have lost some of the greatest written works of English literature.

So... I'm not saying a "muse" for inspiration is wrong. Quite the contrary, if it leads you to the story. I'm more concerned that my buddy's putting the cart before the horse in crafting "Perfect Eyes" around nothing more than a pair of... um... perfect eyes that are attached to a chick he digs.

And he reads this blog. So dude... consider this an intervention.



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All You Have to do is Wait

There's no sun up in the sky,
And the bird's forgot to sing.
But you're headed for a cell,
Then to die and rot in Hell,
So it might as well be Spring

I'll be singing like a bird,
When the jury sets the date.
For this capital event,
Whose revenge is Heaven sent,
All You Have To Do Is Wait

That song has nothing at all to do with what's going on except the title. And.. well.. I like the song.

See, we're waiting. What? You've heard that before? Writers waiting? Wild.

Waiting for Producer Dude to finish his current reshoots in the Tropics so he can focus on Siege and deal with the contract. (ETA: 1-2 weeks)

Waiting to hear back from Big Production Company on my TV treatment. (ETA: 2 weeks)

Waiting to hear from My Manager on the draft of the pilot episode of the TV project I wrote. (ETA: 2-3 weeks)

Waiting for Charlie's Big Hotshot Hollywood Guy (I can't remember what we named him before) to OK the Interview so we can put it up on this blog. (ETA: Pigs Flying)

Waiting for same BHHG to read the script we sent him. (ETA: Pigs Flying Circles Around Crazed, Naked Co-Ed Cheerleader Girls Who Juggle Avocados While Riding A Unicycle.)

So there ya go.

So I think I'll leave you with more lyrics from that cool song.

As they seal the chamber door,
Think of me who sealed your fate.
Once the pellets hit the pail,
From the instant you inhale,
All You Have To Do Is Wait.

Good Things Come To Those.... Who WAIT!!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Where's My Freaking Party?

And now for something completely different. A post that isn't me whining about lack of progress on our films. Nay, verily, I shall endeavor to whine about something utterly new.

I'm not a young man.

I guess I'm what one might call a middle-aged dude. I don't feel it. I have a youthful spirit. I play videogames. I listen to techno. But... well... I'm 39. So that makes me middle aged.

And I'm staring down the barrel of a gun at 40.

I'd like to say that this impending "milestone" birthday is meaningless to me but, truth is, its not. It scares me.

Not too long ago I took a "longevity expectancy" quiz that Dr. Sanjay Gupta had on his MSNBC site. It pegged me to make it to an even 80. Not great, but not bad. And I'm 1/2way there. At the hump. As much behind me as ahead of me. That sucks.

My old man had a heart attack at 40. Genetics hang over me like a dark cloud.

So a couple of months ago I climbed onto the scale one morning. It read 220. Nearly 40 years old, 220 lbs, and a genetic predisposition to die of a heart attack any day now.

"This ain't gonna fly," I thought to myself.

And so I've busted my ass for the last couple of months. My original goal was to get down to 200lbs. 20 lbs seemed pretty manageable, and was bound to help my odds of survival. And I hit it pretty quickly. So I doubled the odds.

40 lbs by my 40th birthday in August.

I've cut back dramatically on my eating habits (1 "real" meal a day and limit that to fish/poultry and steamed or grilled vegetables). I work out 4 times a week. I'm probably in the best shape of my post-military life.

So yesterday, May 1st, I climbed on the scale at the gym.


41 pounds. I'd beaten my goal!

I don't know what I thought would happen when I hit it, but I felt like something should! A party. A letter of congratulations from the Pope. Sex with Natalie Portman.


But what happened is I rushed back to work from a lunchtime workout. My best "work buddy" was slammed and in the crappiest mood imaginable. I didn't even bother sharing.

Called the wife, who was on her way to class. A quick "good work, honey" and she was off to learn about Post-Impressionists or some freaking thing.

IMed Dave, who bitterly replied that maybe I should spend less time on the treadmill and more time on Final Draft.

Truth is... no one gave a shit.

Instead I picked up my son. We went to Target and bought Transformers. Transformers rule. And then we played with them in the bar at Outback Steakhouse while I downed an 18 oz ribeye.

Afterwards we went home and downloaded some clips Producer Dude sent us from his current movie... the one being directed by the Director he wants to use on Siege. Hard to tell much from a few clips, but it looked competent and well shot, so that was encouraging. And my son thought the explosion was cool.

So... maybe I'm an idiot for expecting some kind of public celebration of my private success. Truth is, steak and dailies with my amazing kid is better than any congratulatory letter from Regis Philbin or hot-wings party at Hooters.

Life's really like that, if you think about it. A ton of private efforts that make up a public persona. You share what is appropriate with the world, but most of the time... the most private struggles are the ones that matter most to... well... just you.

- Charlie

P.S. If Natalie Portman's reading, I'd still be up for that, though...

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

A While Lotta Nuthin' Going On

This is going to be one of the most boring updates I've ever posted.

And I've posted some doozies in my day, no doubt.

See... there's really nothing special to share with you, our dear reader.

Er... readers.

Not much from Producer Dude. He's back from Nicaragua or wherever it is he shot his most recent opus, and is planning to get rolling on Siege in a week or two. But for now... nada.

The CEO of a major comedy brand has yet to get back to us on the Raunchy Comedy. Despite being a dear friend of mine, he's now stopped returning emails and phone calls. I think when I sent him the screenplay I got moved from the "BUDDY" column to "WANNA BE WRITER" column in his life.

And I'm still dragging ass in finishing my rewrites on the un-named Mountain-Cabin/Monster-in-the-Woods/Urban-Rap-Battle-drama. Dave's losing patience and has actually threatened to hire a monkey to finish it up.

So... for today... there's nothing to see here.

That's right. Get outta here you pesky kids. Shoo. Scram.

But... you know... come back soon. We have an interview in the pipeline, at least. And its a good one.


Monday, April 23, 2007

...and coming...

So I have our next interview. With someone who works in Hollywood, has a real job, and is, like, really cool.

I have to transcribe it, then send it back to them so they can say "OK, you can put that online, just cut out the bit where I talk about the hooker."

Yeah, our subject is big enough that he cares what we say. How cool is that?

But we're still open to talking to the little people, so drop us a line if you want free press.

OK, I'm off. Just wanted to tease you like Sarah Hitchens used to do in high School.

Gotta run. Wonder Pets is over.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Coming Attractions

I'm still sitting on the unnamed Rear-Window remake/skating comedy/animated feature that Dave tossed over a few weeks ago. I NEED to move my ass, I just haven't.

I'm a bad person, I know. This weekend, hopefully.

In the meantime, we haven't just been sitting around. As I mentioned, I cajoled the raunchy comedy screenplay into the hands of the CEO of a Major Comedy Brand, and we've been waiting with baited breath for his response. I spoke with him yesterday and it went something like this...

"Hey CEO Buddy! How are you?!"

"Good, man. You?"

"Um... good. How was your trip last week. Do anything fun? Read anything good, maybe?"

"Oh, yeah... the trip was good, thanks."

"Right. But did you... you know... Read anything notable?"

"I read a crappy James Patterson novel."

"Uh huh. And that's it?"

"The paper, every day. Have to stay in touch."

"Right. And nothing else?"

"Not that I can think of. Why?"

"Screenplay, dude."



"Oh, yeah! Um... yeah. I haven't read it yet."

"Oh. Ok."

"So how was your week, Charlie?"

"Huh? Yeah, dude. Whatever. Look, I gotta run. Gimme a call once you read that script."


In unrelated news, look for our latest interview, which should be published sometime next week, with the CEO of a Major Comedy Brand.


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Saturday, April 14, 2007

Only So Many Jokes in the Universe

So as we've told you. Charlie took my laugh-out-loud comedy script, punched it up, sent it back to me, I punched it up more, then he sent it to a really awesome dude he met in a chat room.

This is a story about one of those punches.

Charlie took a scene that was funny, and added something even funnier to it. I then took his funnier bit, and made it even more hilarious. In that format, that bit in that scene was included in the script that went off to that creepy Internet stalker.

About a week late,r I'm sitting at home late one night and watching the Adam Sandler film Click on DVD. I had never seen Click before, my wife never saw it. I don't know anyone who saw it. But it was supposed to be funny, and it was available at the library (which means FREE!).

And there's a scene in Click that is QUITE similar to the hilarious scene I referred to above.

So what do you do? The scene is not exact. The punchline on the particular joke is different (and they drag the bit on way too long). But the set-up is nearly identical. The subject of the joke is identical. The humor behind the joke is identical.

So, like, it's been done.

Do we now have to take that joke out of our script? I say no. Lots of movies share jokes. Give yourself a few minutes and you'll come up with examples off the top of your head. (I'd do the work for you, but I'm lazy.) There are only so many jokes in the world. I think they did a study and the exact number is somewhere around 837. That someone else thought of the same joke we came up with only means we're on to something. Right?


Tuesday, April 10, 2007

In God's Hands...

So the raunchy comedy is now in the hands of the CEO of a major comedy brand.

I did a light polish (truth is, it was pretty solid to begin with in my eyes) and sent it to Dave. Dave then did what he does best... changes back most of what I've messed with.

Eh. It was his first, so that was cool by me. Plus we had a pressing need to get it into the hands of said CEO so he could read it this week while travelling.

Now... I have to admit to cheating a bit here. Major Comedy Brand CEO is a dear friend of mine. Love the guy like a brother. And, as it goes with family, you lean on them to read your stuff. So... he agreed to read the screenplay. More than anything, I'm hoping he'll give us some really solid feedback so we can polish it further. But, of course, if he reads it and loves it, then Dave and I would be extra happy. And since he's family, he'll be honest, so now we're just waiting for him to finish.

While I'm waiting I'm supposed to be working on the un-titled double-feature/talking-dog/Ice-Cube-family comedy that we've been working on for so long. SUPPOSED TO BE. I haven't gotten to it yet, unfortunately.

What have I been doing? Not eating.

This has nothing to do with B Movies, of course, but I'm in a bragging mood.

By virtue of not eating, and exercising a lot, I've managed to drop 30 pounds in the last 6 weeks or so. I'm shooting for 10 more.

That said, if BIG COMEDY BRAND CEO comes back to us, loves the raunchy comedy, and wants to buy it...

I'm eating a freaking cake.


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Friday, April 06, 2007

Laugh, and the world gives you money

So Charlie sent me the raunchy sex comedy that I gave him to update and revise a while back. And you know what? It's funny. And it's not just me saying this. Charlie says it's funny. And the people that Charlie has sent it to for notes have say it is funny. And I re-read it and laughed out loud a number of times. It's funny.

So naturally, I gave it a rewrite/polish. Now it's even funnier. Sent it back to Charlie. Let him run with it. He has some peeps he wants to shuffle it over to, peeps from a different life who know or are or have heard of people who could do something with it.

But don't tell My Manager.

See, about a year ago, I sent the script over to My Manager. They read it. They said "Eh." Then they said, "You're a horror/suspense guy. stick to that. Don't waste any time working on this."

So I sent it to Charlie and said, "I'm not working on this. You go work on it."

And he dusted it for fingerprints and added a gerund or two. Now it's got heat. Now it may hit eyes that could shower us with dollars. But I ain't mentioned to My Manager that I did anything with it. Because I'm the horror/suspense guy. And I'm nervous. See, I didn't, actually, do any work on it after My Manager told me not to. So I haven't disobeyed My Manager. But the script has found a life without me. And my name is on it. So eventually, if something were to happen, say Brad Pitt and Denzel Washington decided to team up for a raunchy sex-comedy with Helen Mirren and Mandy Moore, then I'd probably have to mention something to My Manager.

And we'll see how that goes.

But for now, Huzzah! We have funny script! We rock!

The world needs more laughter. Especially laughter mixed in with sex jokes.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Passing the Buck

So I've been furiously writing on the Casablanca remake/eco-drama/teenage sex romp that we've been working on. My plan was to go through the entire thing, fix characters, move the big reveal up, make it good. But skip over the one scene that I want Charlie to do because.. well.. a) I'm lazy and b) he has to do something if he wants to keep his name on it, right?

That scene is about 2/3 of the way through the script. So I got to that point. Then, being extremely clever and witty, wrote something like "HERE CHARLIE WRITES A FANTASTIC SCENE THAT PROBABLY INVOLVES A LESBIAN SEX SCENE" and skipped to the next scene.

But then I started finding all sorts of dialogue and motivation that was based on what happened in that scene. Hurt feelings from those left out of the orgy, degrading YouTube footage, moist toys, what have you. And I realized that, damn it, I need to know what happens in that scene in order to move forward.

So I punted back to Charlie. He can take it from here.

I told him I just need him to do the aforementioned missing scene, but deep down, and don't tell him (Charlie, if you're reading this, skip ahead to the next paragraph) I'm hoping he'll take it and run. He's a good writer (PLEASE don't let him know I said that) and has a lot of really good ideas, even if not as many deal with lesbians as I think they should. So we'll see what he does.

Meanwhile, hearing that Charlie got positive feedback on our raunchy comedy brings a smile to my face. Fingers crossed, let's see what else we get back on it and then see what kind of notes we get and then see how Charlie runs with those notes and then see how the intended target of this script reacts. At that point, if the target likes it, I should probably tell My Manager that the script went out. I fully intend to tell them, I'm just.. dragging my feet a bit. NO use bucking the system before there's a need.

Because My Manager specifically told me not to spend time on that comedy. They want me to be the dark/horror/supernatural writer in their stable. So fine, I'm not working on it. I just handed it to Charlie and said "God be with you." So I haven't actually spent any time working on it. It's working on it's own. Meanwhile, I finished up the 8th version of the TV treatment (the changes between version 7 and version 8? A couple of words.) and by later today, it should be back in the hands of the Big Production Company that is all over this like honey on my prom date.

Things are moving. My balls are in the air. Also similar to my memories of prom.

Rock on.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Early Reviews Are In...

So as Dave's previously mentioned, I've been working on a punch-up of a raunchy-comedy that he wrote a few years ago.

I remember when I first read it maybe 5 or 6 years ago... I thought it was VERY funny and VERY raunchy. Dave made more use of a term for male genitalia that rhymes with "sock" in that screenplay than I'd ever seen in a 90 minute period. Well... except maybe in Golden Boyz III.

So anyhow, we've resurrected it. I've done a first pass edit and sent out to a few people for feedback. This morning a colleague, and fellow screenwriter, came by my desk after sitting on the thing for weeks.

"Charlie... I don't know what you're worried about with this script. This is freaking hilarious. I LOVED it. I laughed my ass off over this thing."

I was incredulous. "Really? Like... LOVED it? Yer just being nice, right?"

But no. He really thought it was great. This guy, who used to work in TV, went on to say he thought it was one of the better written, punchier, wittier comedy screenplays he's seen in awhile. And while he's not exactly sitting at ICM making decisions, he is a guy with decent taste.

So... I think we have something worth showing around, maybe.

He's going to give me detailed notes, and I'm still hoping for a few more, and then I'll punch it up some more.

And then it'll go out by any possible means available. Wrapped in a Buy-1-Get-1 coupon for The Cheetah in Hollywood and tossed thru the door of CAA. Slipped through Chris Moore's barely open convertible ragtop. Buried under a dime of blow in the mens's room at Nobu. Whatever it takes, man.

Meanwhile, Dave's just finishing up HIS pass at a rewrite on the un-named Copacabana/Latin-American-Revolutionaries/Murder-She-Wrote-Remake screenplay. He's giving the characters some much needed depth, and then will hand off to me for some further tweakage:

"Hey Charlie - what could we have eat this one chick if it isn't a giant tentacle monster? My guy says tentacle monsters are played out."

"Really? I love tentacle monsters. I dunno... lemme think..."

"Ok dude. Its yours. I'll save that part for you."

And so it goes.


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Friday, March 30, 2007

Meanwhile, back in the land of the lesbian/pygmy/absinth script...


Waiting to hear back from Producer Dude on the contracts for Siege.

Waiting to hear back from some peeps of Charlie's who are reading another script of ours.

Waiting to hear back from My Manager on the status of the TV Project of mine.

So with time to kill, it's time to turn back to our standby favorite, the aquatic cats/married siblings/Galapagos script we've written. We got back some notes from Assistant to My Manager (My Manager didn't love it, but also didn't stop Assistant to My Manager from taking a liking to it and helping with notes) and we've read them. Even had a phone call between Charlie and myself. He sounds just like Bob Balaban on the phone, it's eerie.

So I'm taking first stab. The notes are all kinda "You need more character" and "You need a different plot" and so forth, but the really big one is "Hey, you know that big reveal that you do on page 65? It should come about 30 pages earlier."

So I'm moving pivotal information into the beginning of the second act, and seeing how that changes absolutely everything else that happens.

The fun never stops.

Actually, it's a good note. And it will, indeed, add a lot of tension and conflict into an otherwise "Star Trek" world, where the characters all like each other (at first, anyway) and the conflict comes from outside. That sort of script is soooo 1993. Today, people want everyone to be flawed, everyone to fight, and everyone to get naked and dance on a severed head.

Don't they?

We'll see.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

A Return To Normalcy

So after all the buzz and hubub last week, what with us getting letters of commitment from several Oscar-winning stars and all... well... ok... Oscar-nominated... ok... fine... stars who've been to Oscar parties.

Anyhow... where was I? Oh yeah... after all the buzz and hubub last week, things have settled back into the traditional routine for Siege - dead silence.

Producer Dude is off in Sierra Leone, or Haiti, or Bangladesh or some other third world country, filming his latest magnum opus. I'm pretty sure its set in New York City.

The point being, they don't really have internet, or phones, or electricity, or cars or lights or motorcars in such places, so we haven't heard from him since he left for the shoot. It'll probably be that way for another couple of weeks, so until then, expect filler posts from Dave and I. I'll probably wax poetic about kid/dog/rabbit crap, and Dave will interview a guy who was an extra in "War of the Worlds" (though his part got cut out).

We'll get a pop again soon, though, and then it'll be off to the races once again.


Tuesday, March 13, 2007

An Interview with Brian Nowac - Part 2

So, like, before even more amazing news breaks on Siege, we thought we'd give y'all the second half of our interview with bmovieonline guru Brian Nowac.

So.. here it is.


B-Movie Writers: What's the desired budget range for your film?

Brian Nowac: I really don’t think in terms of budgets, I think in terms of profits.

Unfortunately the rest of the world wants to know about budgets, that is why B MOVIE ONLINE’s co-founder Abhi Singh is in the picture. He worries about what the budgets are, and that is also why our other co-founder Jason Clause is here. He worries about where the budgets come from.

But I’m told our budget range for production is $250k to $500k.

BMW: How are you planning on casting your film? A few more "job openings" posted on the site?

BN: Absolutely, with the exception of the production crew, all the people involved in this project will be recruited via the Internet. We have several different angles to filling the cast we will be using, all capitalizing on tools the Internet is offering.

BMW: What sort of roll-out are you anticipating for your movie? Wide release? Festivals? Straight-to-DVD?

BN: That will all depend on two things: Buzz & Eligibility. As I’m sure you know the film festivals (at least the big ones) have pretty tight restrictions on the entrees. Based on how we are promoting the film, even before it’s made we may be out of the picture for most of these festivals.

It will also depend on how big the buzz is about the picture before it’s done. If we have people beating down our doors to release the film in nationwide theatres we will.

But I anticipate a smaller release in select second run theatres across the country, followed by a major push to the online downloadable market through online paid film & video content providers like: iTunes, AOL video, and others.

BMW: Why is your site entirely on video, and not text?

BN: Times are changing, the Internet is quickly becoming the chosen entertainment medium of our target market of viewers. Our site is made to entertain and interact with people.

We want our viewers to come to our sight, see and hear someone telling them about what we are doing. We don’t want them to have to read about it.

Think about it like a reality TV show that you can watch anytime you want and even select the characters you want to follow and weed out the ones you aren’t interested in.

Or consider this: when you turn on your TV to watch the evening news, the anchorman doesn’t hold up a copy of the day’s newspaper to the camera and let you read the stories. Who said the Internet has too.

Well anyway, I say it doesn’t and reflects that ideology.

BMW: How many takes did you need to get your intro speech down?

BN: Usually the video shoots work out pretty well. One or two cracks at it and it’s in the can. That one in particular was easy, I only had to deliver the lines once or twice everything else was done in post.

However, that is not always the case. In my most recent update I was so tired it took me about 20 attempts just to get it all out, and I still think I missed things.

BMW: You come across in the clip as very intense. A little intimidating. Was that on purpose? To scare away the pussies?

BN: I don’t want to scary anyone away, but I do want them to know I mean business. I mean, I want people to know how serious I am about making this thing work.

In reality I’m kind of a silly guy and I wanted to shake any trace of that in the first impression I gave on the web site.

BMW: You posted your wedding video to YouTube, mixed in with you and your wife lip-syncing Time of My Life from Dirty Dancing. It's actually really sweet, and you guys look shamelessly in love. Your wife is hot. That's it, no question. Just… your wife is hot. Well done.

BN: Word.

BMW: You are B Movie Online. Are you worried of becoming too successful and having to change your name?

BN: No, B Movies are worried about me becoming too successful and having to up their standards.

BMW: What's your dream scenario coming out of this?

BN: I want paparazzi to take pictures of my crotch as I get out of cars.

BMW: Finally, what's one thing you want people to know about B Movie Online?

BN: I want them to know that they aren’t cool unless they check it out at least once a week.

BMW: And really finally, you guys are We're Is it just me, or is that a match made in heaven?

BN: If our accountant says we can file jointly and save money, I’m up for anything.


There ya go, I hope you enjoyed this peek inside the mind of a Big Time San Francisco Movie Producer.

And for the record, his wife IS hot.