Over the weekend I caught “Pan’s Labyrinth.” It’s an amazing movie – beautifully shot and directed, gorgeous art direction, masterfully acted. Sergi Lopez is fantastic as the brutal, sadistic Vidal. And Ivana Baquero, as the young Ofelia, is nothing short of a brilliant discovery. She’s the kind of flawless, perfect child talent that only comes around once every ten years or so. This movie moved me on many levels. It’s a fascinating period piece, set in Franco’s post-war Spain. In that sense, it’s akin to Begnini’s “Life is Beautiful.” On another level, it’s a richly woven fantasy, not unlike… actually… I’m not sure what. Alice in Wonderland? A Company of Wolves?
Anyhow… when I see movies like that, it sometimes pushes me into a depressed funk. People like Guillermo del Toro are off making these amazing pieces of ART, and I’ve devoted my “talents” to writing wanna-be-commercial B movies. Sure, we blow stuff up, and give our characters some really great one-liners (“Would you like a side of fries with that? Muahahahah!”), but it just feels so tiny and insignificant compared to the modern classics that the del Toros and Cuarons of this planet are creating.
So I agonize. Wring my hands. Dream of writing some amazing, poetic, deeply personal tale of love and redemption, or tragedies overcome, or inspired actions. I struggle to come up with some moving story *I* can tell.
A young girl, stranded on the rocky shores of Tripoli, at the turn of the century. A sadistic ex-colonel from the Italian military, who’s forced the girl’s family into indentured servitude, savagely abusing the girl and her family for the tiniest of mistakes. A mysterious stranger, who comes into town, with a promise of magic, and perhaps, freedom.
But then… the whole B Writer thing kicks in.
The girl finds a stash of guns. She blows up the Colonel’s headquarters with a LAW anti-tank missile, before painting her face black and stealthily dispatching his soldiers, one at a time, gruesomely. Meanwhile, her Mom has a naked shower scene in a babbling Libyan waterfall, where she meets an equally naked sea… er… waterfall nymph. I think it goes without saying that a lesbian scene ensues. Meanwhile, the girl has cornered the Colonel, who tries taking her father hostage in the barn, threatening to cut his throat. Without flinching, the girl snags a scythe from the barn wall and expertly tosses it across the room, cleaving the bastard Colonel's head wide open. The dad escapes unharmed, and the family lives happily ever after.
Hrmmm… come to think of it, maybe that is art, after all. Especially once you add the lesbian waterfall scene with the nymph.
Still… it’d be nice, just once, to be a del Toro. Until then… I’ll have to settle for being a del Taco.
- Charlie
Keywords:
b movie,
Siege,
screenwriting,
screenplay,
scriptwriter,
script,
movies,
Pan's Labyrinth,
del Toro,
Self loathing,
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