Bring the Pain

While Charlie and I wait to hear back from Big Company, and while I continue to work with Other Big Company on Big TV Project that will eventually Make Me Rich and allow Charlie to Ride My Coattails, I thought I'd talk about a little something I found both amusing and enlightening.

My Next Big Horror Project. I finished the first draft, as astute readers will know, on New Year's Eve. But before I could finish it, I had to write it. And I did one thing while writing that I've been doing more and more.

Actual research.

See, I do some nasty things to my characters. And I wanted to make sure I was being realistic. So I made a call. An old friend who works as a Physician's Assistant. Let's call him Mr. O.

Mr. O: Hello?

David: Mr. O? Dave Neilsen. How ya doing?

**pause**

Mr. O: Don't you owe me money?

David: No.

Mr. O: You sure?

David: Yes. How's it been?

Mr. O: Can I call you back?

**click**

**redial**

Mr. O: Hello?

David: Mr. O! What up!

Mr. O: (sigh) Hi, Dave.

David: So I have some questions. medical questions. Thought you could help me.

Mr. O: I suppose.

David: Mind if I run them by you?

Mr. O: This isn't really the best time-

David: If a guy got stabbed in the shoulder by the antlers of a moose, how long would he have to be in the hospital before he'd be released? And would he have a sling, or a cast, or what? Would he be able to wield a knife with that arm? Maybe after a couple of days?

**pause**

Mr. O: It depends. Did he hit any muscles when he got punctured? There're a lot of muscles up there. What sort of damage are we talking about? Why are you asking about this?

David: I'm writing something. Let's say he didn't hit any muscles. Damage is whatever lets him out of the hospital ASAP.

Mr. O: If he got lucky and the antlers missed anything vital, it becomes a simple flesh wound. He could be out in a couple of days.

David: Awesome. Would he need drugs?

Mr. O: He'd be in serious pain, so yeah. Pain killers. Good ones. Also, he probably wouldn 't have a regular sling. More likely something that supported his shoulder from the back.

David: Like a bra for guys?

Mr. O: ...sure. You know, if you want to really screw with him, you could break his collar bone. It's easy to do.

David: But then he'd need one of those collars, right? Like a recently neutered dog?

Mr. O: What, he's trying to lick himself?

David: You know what I mean.

Mr. O: No, he wouldn't need one. I mean he might. But it's cool, people break their collar bone all the time. Shoulders are harder to break.

David: He doesn't have to break his shoulder. I just want him speared.

Mr. O: I'm just saying. You should break someone's collar bone sometime. In one of your stories.

David: OK. Thanks.

Mr. O: Anything else?

David: Oh! Yeah! What about a nail through the palm?

Mr. O: Piece of cake. I get three or four of those a week. Wrap up the hand, be out in an hour.

David: Really? I mean don't you shatter the palm?

Mr. O: You can shove all sorts of things through your palm. There's a lot of space in between the bones. I mean, yeah. An ill-placed nail could do some damage. Wouldn't be able to use the hand. And you're not talking about crushing the hand, right? Just a nail? Like from an industrial nail gun?

David: Exactly.

Mr. O: No sweat. It would probably happen so fast, it'd be over before he even knew he was in pain. Same guy?

David: Different guy.

Mr. O: OK. Oh, hey. The antlers spearing the shoulder. He'd probably go into shock.

David: Oh, is that bad?

Mr. O: Shock is bad, yeah. But if he gets treatment right away, he should be OK. It's more of an immediate problem, but the long-term damage would still be to the shoulder.

David: Cool. What about crushing a foot?

Mr. O: Like dropping something heavy on it?

David: More like having it slowly crushed in front of your eyes. Like under a bulldozer.

Mr. O: Well if your foot is trapped under a bulldozed, the rest of you is probably going to follow. So, not much to worry about in terms of your foot.

David: Good point. Thanks.

Mr. O: No problem.

As far as I'm concerned, that's what friends are for. To tell me all about the horrible things I can do to a character and still have them punch out their best friend in the next scene.